Without a map

Good times don't demand so little from you. You have your map showing you where to go. It's easy, right? You locate your goal and where you are at the moment and work out a way towards that goal. Think you're off track? Check the surroundings and adjust. It's like this mentally, as well. Wether it is a new job you're looking for or searching for the perfect house, you know what to do in order to achieve that goal. Usually setting smaller goals is easier than setting a gigantic goal, which might be discouraging from the start.

Now, imagine you're in a desert with no landmarks or familiar terrain around you. Yet still, you've got a map in your hand showing what's definitely an entirely different area. How are you supposed to find a way to the goal? How do you even know what you want to achieve? It's difficult to wander almost blind, questioning everything and nothing because there's a guy on your shoulder saying everybody is against you.

I feel that I've got the right map. What I'd like to achieve is also fairly familiar. Somehow it is the navigation that is a struggle, not knowing which path to follow in order to reach the next checkpoint. You might say that my skills at reading my map are not quite good and therefore wandering in a random fashion, trying each path. For every path which is wrong, attempting the next one becomes more difficult. 

Maybe I have had the wrong motivation all along. I've always had to focus on the big achievement at the end of the road while I should've had lower expectations of myself as well as how to get there. I'm starting to think there isn't a set goal for us. What makes us feel that we've accomplished something differs from person to person. Your own goal will be revealed as long as you follow your own path, listening to your own navigator.

Do you know where you are?

Do you know where you are in this world? It might be a stupid question to ask. Even if you're in an area unfamiliar to you, you will always be able to describe your surroundings using your senses. The surroundings also include the people, who might be trigging the anxiety. Would it be better not to know where you are if the people also "disappear"? I think many of us do it, either on purpose or subconsciously. It's not difficult to see either these days. What do you think I'm thinking of?

Was "listening to music" your answer? If so, then one point to you. A habit to many of us, myself included. Having your favourite music a few touches on a button away is genious. It is relaxing, time seems to pass quicker, or it can help you to be motivated for a long run. But there is a different side to it. Listening to music makes it more difficult to pick up all the sounds surrounding you when being outside. Wether it's people, traffic, animals, or the weather, they all get muted. The effect of it all basically is that you become less aware of where you are, not only physically but also mentally. Taking away conversations around you means you don't have to relate to anyone. You make your own comfort zone where nobody is allowed access. This is also a strategy to not let yourself be in a state where you can feel the symptoms of your anxiety.

I think most people wear headsets and listen to music in urban surroundings. I can understand that, with all the noise and such. I do it myself, after all. What I don't understand, though, is why choose to seclude yourself from reality when being outside in the nature. I can't do it. To not listen to birds, the wind, and the nature in general is to make the experience incomplete. If I am to follow the example from above, you might say that one shut out all sound because one is afraid. We can't control when and how sound should appear in nature especially, as it is more dynamic to a rather static urban life where you know what to expect. This also means you, or the anxiety rather, tells you to be on alert at all times. An irregularity such as hiking might be of good help, as the longer you stay in a state of anxiety and nothing happens, the less scary it'll be in the future. Furthermore, it is good to just be in contact with nature. We as humans have developed quickly compared to how long this earth has been habitable, so for some reason I think it's good for us to go back to our roots, so to speak.

Just a short text on awareness of our presense. How much can you actually remember from the walk home from work, or sitting on the bus?

Control

Control. That's what it is all about. Fear of losing control over my thoughts, fear of not getting it back, the battle between feelings and reason. I'd say the battle between feelings and reason is in all of us, not just me. Wether it's a fear of heights, pets or any other thing, we might not think of it like that. I know very well that what makes me feel anxious are far away from any logic. When thinking in a rational manner, questioning my scenarios, it's easier to see that they don't hold any water. Why keep doing something whichh isn't beneficial?

My anxiety and symptoms involved have had a strong grip on my logical thinking. They're part of the panic mode mentioned in the previous post. It's like a devil in disguise where you listen to them, preventing you from being in the present, challenging the anxiety. Because when you pull yourself away from the situation, the symptoms resign. So there are subliminal messages saying that stepping away from something you fear, is good. Yet it's the complete opposite that can help you.

Something which annoys me is the need to check and double-check that I've done certain things, like locking the door, turned off the plate, got everything with me when I'm heading out etc. Kind of like OCD but not as severe. I still do it, though, even when I know inside that it's just stupid of me to no trust my own actions. Yet I also know that I'll be walking around thinking about a minor thing if I don't make certain. It's a matter of my expectations of myself as well as a matter of control. I need to be perfect and don't mess up. I'll never let it go if I do. And maybe something like that happened when I was a kid. Maybe I forgot to lock the door and the shame and the feeling that I let everybody down was so strong, so I kept thinking about it untill it became second nature.

Purpose of being anxious

I think most of us look for an explanation to why something occurs, especially when it's got to do with your own health. Finding a reason to why you feel like you do is one step closer to a treatment, no matter how small the issue is. It's logical for us to do what we can to avoid any feeling of discomfort. Dealing with psychological problems is far more complex than if you've got a broken bone somewhere. You've got to find all the little threads that lead up to a big ball and then start to find a way to make it better. Many, myself included, need some help to reflect and stop the illogical reasoning the mind has taught itself to do.

Can there be any relation to why we, or I in this case, experience anxiety and the symptoms I feel? I'd say yes. First sign is that I am mostly anxious when I'm outside. Why? It is as simple as it is outside, or away from home, I'm not in control over what happens around me. I can't decide other peoples' actions according to my own levels of comfort. I've never been afraid of being attacked, but rather that I don't know how to behave or what to say in a social setting in order to feel accepted, and that's what is frightening to me. All this thinking about what should I say now, did I say something stupid, do I look weird, I've got nothing to contribute, and so on makes my brain go into panic mode. No logical thoughts, only insecure self judgement with no solution to how to stop them, keep coming in a rapid face. 

Physiologically, anxiety is how the body reacts to a panic mode: Can't focus on one thing, rapid and shallow breathing, feeling warm, incapable of staying calm. How people might react is different from person to person. The body acts like it is responding a real threat, only that there is no real threat. Your social anxiety has led to a miswiring in your head, and it happens so fast you most likely don't even realize it. This can be sorted out by the help of a therapist. as he or she is on the outside to give input on how you're thinking and guide you in the right direction.

This is just my own thoughts, and I don't claim to have any knowledge about it other than my own experiences. If you feel the need to talk to someone I suggest consulting a therapist who actually has studied this and can help you. Never feel any shame for asking a professional for help. Instead, be proud because you're dealing with your problems. Just don't go alone hiding it from everyone. Let people be your fanclub. Be stronger together.

Social life or lack of?

The end of the previous post touched the subject of friends and spending time around other people. Most of my time in my childhood was spent alone. Not that I didn't have any friends. I just kept to myself outside of school and football practices, usually in my room. For some reason I had the impression that visiting people was just something we rarely did, so I didn't bother too much. But the main factor might be that even at an early age I was sceptical towards being away from home. Since the term social anxiety was unknown to me, the reason for what kept me from seeing friends was blurry in a way.

Moving to a different place a long way from home while holding on to the selfdestructive thoughts and actions, like being alone, was difficult. It was a big shock to learn that my friends didn't think so much about consequences and risks when spending time outside. Even greater was the impact of knowing how impulsive one could be. Meanwhile I was locked inside my own prison. I had the key although I didn't know it. My life has definitely not turned out how I thought it would, eventhough I didn't exactly have any specific thoughts about it. Just not like this. I am sure that if anyone reads it, you are one of my friends. As I've said, I do have friends. Plenty, according to Facebook, Twitter, Twitch and all the other social platforms. Yet still can you find me week after week with no plans, only because of the fear of rejections. What really puts me off is seeing or learning that friends have done something together, wether it's movie, party, or meeting at a café without inviting me. It hurts to know that people maybe don't want me around or even worse, forgetting that I exist. If I fear that people don't want me around because of something I've done or said, how easy is it to take the initiative?

My insecurity makes me doubt if I should've written this. All I'm thinking is that I've angered someone I hold dear and that's not the intention. The objective is to make the reader, if there are any, aware of the impact social anxiety has on one's life. You're questioning everything about yourself. "Why would they want to be friends with me", "why wasn't I invited", "I'm not good enough for them" etc. You walk around thinking such thoughts untill you believe them yourself, fullfilling the prophecy. What I can change to be a better friend and feel more included is difficult to say. One of the most embarrasing things I know is to ask people what their plans and if it's okay to join. That is almost a definite sign of desperation and loneliness. It seems like being lonely or without friends today is the same as if you're a failure as person. It's so easy, everybody thinks, to be social and have friends. Guess what? It's not easy.


And I am lonely, inside my prison.

Spontanious (tomorrow...or later)

I envy people who can do things together without having the need to make detailed plans, either for practical reasons or personal reasons. Dealing with social anxiety is hard enough on its own and it doesn't make it easier when there are more to take in consideration. Well, the whole idea is to not consider everything that happens inside the head. For my concern, I have a need to feel a sense of being in control by planning ahead. Everything from how to get to a place and back, and everything inbetween. Doing all this prevents me from feeling anxious and therefore I keep doing it. It does make some sort of sense, right? Still, it is a bit like you're keeping yourself hostage if you don't dare to have that anxiety. Or you might fear certain situations in public and therefore avoid them, only to transfer that tactic to other scenarios which might feel unpleasant.

My big issue, among many, is the fear of rejection. The fear of being rejected if I contact anyone prevents me from picking up the phone, as the saying goes. How many friendships I've lost due to this is difficult to say. Maybe some, maybe none. I'm on very thin ice if I start thinking about that. After all, the distance from thinking about facts to constructing a scenery that matches my anxiety, is short. Everytime I start doing that the anxiety will seek a path leading to the conclusion which says it's my fault, I've done something wrong or simply that nobody wants to be with me. One can always wonder why I tend to think like that. The most obvious reason is that I've actually been rejected after  I've had a long, mental fight and finally tried to contact someone. That feeling of insecurity, failure, and worthlessness takes a long time to remove while other might not even think about it.

We're all different in all aspects of life. Some have it easier to do stuff, while other need to struggle a bit. At the same time we all have our battles. How well we hide it from everybody else is individual. So when I haven't contacted you for a while, it's not that I don't want to or don't care. Because I do, and that's what makes it so hard. Even if the result is that I don't send that message or make that call, the whole afternoon might've been spent to prepare myself for a possible rejection. Going back and forth between "shall I" or "They probably don't even like me". You might say that my solitude is my own choice since I let it happen. But do I want it? 

No

Often my anxiety is what makes me stay alone, feeding itself on that "victory" it got when it persuaded me to stay at home, away from the scary world out there. Alone.


It's scary alone, too, you know.

Stand behind yourself when nobody else is

So, back from a slight hiatus. I still find it hard to agree with myself wether that is a good thing or not. "They" say that no news is good news. I can understand one on the outside would say that, as he or she won't be updated and assumes they would be notified if there was any news. My reason for starting this is simply to lay all the cards on the table. Last couple of months have been exhausting, both physically and mentally. Furthermore I understand now the difficulty of doing what you say. For example, "those who never dare, never win". Mine has been "dare to fail" for many years. People fail at things all the time. The difference is how we handle it and use it.

I started in a new job a couple of months ago, in a field I've never worked in before. Working with field sale (knocking on peoples' homes) was entirely new for me. How difficult it was for me was apparent from the start but I didn't want to quit too easily. Initially I thought I needed some time to adapt before things turned for the better. Boy, was I wrong. 

Two months. For two months I walked from one door to the next, trying to succeed. How this affected me is not easy to understand unless one has been in a similar situation, maybe at school. Your whole existense disappears into a void of impulses. Spending two months coming home with a feeling of failure, letting people down. Not just myself but my bosses, coworkers, friends, family. I felt that I let down everyone who had faith in me and thought I could do this kind of work. An average day was getting up and ready for work, be at work, then come home and stay up late.

The short version is that I quit my job last Tuesday. Not only was the motivation completely gone but I just couldn't continue without a risk of burning out mentally. So do see this period as a failure? Not really. I probably would have if I had given up earlier. From my point of view I know myself much better now as a person. Aditionally, I actually dared to fail.  It's so easy to say such things when they don't matter because there are no consequences. One "fail" is one step closer to success.

Thoughts/babbling

First post in a while. Wether or not the long pause was intentional is difficult to say. I guess it just happened as a result of me going home on a holiday for three weeks, plus last week was rather stressful at work. But now I'm back, and ready for a new job. Finding anything new to write about isn't easy, especially if you're not a writer of any sort. In hindsight, I probably should've spread out the first posts more. So why didn't I?

Everytime I start doing something new I tend to overdo it and become bored by it or give up after a lack of progress, whatever comes first. My confidence, or absent of confidence, demands that I learn something quickly. Anything else and I feel like a failure. My logical sense in this is far from logical as I often compare myself to other people, disregarding their hard work to reach where they are Somehow I assume they're born with a talent. 

Furthermore, I start asking why it is so difficult to write anything new. I've had it quite difficult the last five or six years. Should have plenty to tell, right? Or maybe I've just felt sorry for myself and it might not've been all that bad? Or maybe it's something else. When you're depressed you don't live, you exist. You don't experience any highlights, life is just miserable. Therefore your ability to reflect and remember is more or less shut off. Nor do you want to be in the presence. All you want is time to pass so that you can go to bed. 

I'm still debating with myself how much I should put into this. What will make me more depressed; keep writing with few or no readers, or just say to myself that at least I tried and stop?

Things are happening.

Ever experienced a moment where you have to react quickly but it feels like time is moving in slow motion? That's how it feels like nowadays, anyway. Since last entry I've travelled by myself to a concert in Oslo, worked a lot and got a new job! I had a good feeling after the first interview, or I'd rather say not a bad feeling. Which is good in itself, right? So after I got back from Oslo they wanted me to come back from a second interview. Maybe I did make a good impression after all.

It really feels awkward listening to a person you don't know complementing you. The woman who did the interview said I am able to reflect about myself and trustworthy. Other people say that, too, still I am thinking "you sure you're speaking about me?" None the less, it's good that other people say it rather than me claiming it to be the truth. 

This job is something I need to do for myself. Dare to fail, right? It's something I thought I've lived by yet up until now everything has been safe. Whatever the result may turn out to be, it's something I have to do. Slowly my mind is realizing that I have less than a week left. Well, I decided to have my vacation way before I got the job so coincidentally my vacation is at the same time as my four weeks notice. I'm leaving familiar faces, familiar tasks in favour of a situation where everything is new. Maybe that's a good thing, though. The feeling of being stuck has been looming for the past year. Now I can progress in life, as well as in a work situation.

Two shifts left. The sentimental me is often taking charge of my thoughts, leaving me with thoughts like "this might be the last time I do this". So it's a bit sad to leave, of course. If I hadn't been sad it would've meant that I didn't like my job. But I do. How things turn out is much up to me. I need to find whatever I did when I was new in the present job, and that's not an easy task. After all, I was at a completely different place than where I am now. Furthermore, if you're not present and aware of your actions you might not realize what works out in the end.

Stuck in a moment

... that you can't get out of? I know the feeling. I am a person who cherish my daily routines, wether they're good or bad. Routines help me structure a day and sort of prepare myself. One example is that I need to go outside to get some food and I know myself well enough to know I'll only delay it unless I don't set a time in advance for any chores to be done. But how do routines that might seem positive actually prevent any progression?

Becoming dependent of any strategy to cope with the daily life isn't all good. What you end up with is that you are anxious of having an anxiety attack. So you keep the symptoms in control but not the actual reasons behind them.

I'm trying to admit that I need change, that change in itself is good. Take work, for example. The other day came an e-mail where a company invited me to an interview for a position. The job is sort of relatable to what I do and at the same time not. What will I do if I'm offered the job? Making a desicision is difficult because I quickly feel uneasy at the thought of doing something I don't know anything about. Maybe that's reason enough to do to exactly that, in general and not just about this job interview. Finding new inspirations and environments will make my brain to actively think again instead of going on this neverending autopilot. Additionaly, I always try to keep myself in the "safe surroundings" and not doing what might be good for me. Think what I'm trying to say is that one needs to be selfish in ones own life. You shouldn't take anyone other into consideration if your own happiness is at stake.

D-day

D-day. Operation Overlord. June 6th is a date of reflection. 156 000 allied soldiers from countries including USA, Canada, Great Britain, France and also Norway made history on this day 72 years ago. Pushing back the occupying forces, holding the area to establish a front to continue the fight was vital. These men are from what is often referred to as the greatest generation, willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. Death was looking right at them, wether they were on the boats, waiting for the gangway to be lowered or standing at the door, ready to jump out of a plane. Volunteering for such a task when you're maybe not even 20 years old takes an incredible amount of bravery. 

I can only imagine what each of them could've been thinking. Furthermore, I can't see myself doing the same thing. Maybe the men back then had a different mindset feeling obligated to partake in the biggest invasion ever. The answer to if I'd do what they did might not be answered. Sometimes you step up and do what's expected of you, regardless of your initial point of view.

A peaceful Europe allows me to think about my own ordeals and my own battles. When fighting a mental issue, each day is a battle of its own. I'm not saying that its precisely as fighting an occupying force, because it's not. But we have to consider what it feels like to anyone who's dealing with it. For some, it takes a big amount of bravery to even be out in public. So my main question is, how do we define bravery? Do we have to jump out of a plane to be brave? Bravery is, in my opinion, relative to the past and the current situation to every one of us. Therefore we should encourage and back up people who are willing to face their inner enemies, regardless of how small or insignificant it is to ourselves.

Sun is shining

... but it's raining in my heart. Sorry, felt for a cheesy song reference there as it fits rather perfectly if I may say so myself. The weather and the state of our minds are linked and have more significance for how you, or at least I, feel. It's not uncommon to be more cheery and happy when it's sunny and warm, and perhaps a bit down when it's raining. I'm sure most of us feel that way. I feel the weather is enhancing the contrast of how I feel and how I think about myself and is capable of doing. 

The last few days have been quite good with temperatures around 20 C since Friday. During days like these I notice what other people are doing: they go for a walk, getting a tan at the park, barbecuing and having fun outside. The point isn't exactly what they're doing but rather that they're doing something together where as I'm mostly inside. Outside for me is a limited amount of time where I happen to be when transporting myself from point a to point b, not out of amusement. As I've must've mentioned before, I miss the ability to contact other without having the fear of rejection. And I also would like to not fall into the train of thoughts where I feel useless or don't have any value. In terms from gaming, I'm more of an NPC, non playable character around everybody else. Everybody has his or her own character and persona, where they might have it easier to create a social event simply because people around them tend to listen and agree with them. I'm not one of them. And that's linked with the fear of rejection, or a fear of not being noticed.

You'd probably say that it's a problem created out of nothing. How true that might be, it's still a real problem for many, including me. Where as some are quite spontanious and just call someone, I might spend days worrying about the outcome. I'm assuming all of this is inside my head. The thing is, though, that I need to be convinced otherwise. How do you take the big step when the previous ones ended in an utter failure? Do you  jump into the deep end before learrning how to swim?

Time, what is time?

I'm not trying to go completely philosophical but it sometimes is unavoidable. Time has fascinated me a long time. Ask a physicist and he/she will give a definite answer, which I won't disagree with. But I feel it's a bit more complicated than that. Over the ten years or so, the relativity of time is so connected to how you're feeling and what you're doing. 

Time can move so slowly on bad days. Some days are spent watching to clock, waiting for when it's time to sleep. Meanwhile you don't do anything; the world outside is doing its daily thing. The result is that you feel even more alone. Knowing how long a tv-show lasts is the only way of noticing that time actually passes. Food? No need for that, it can always be taken care of later. That is untill its too late for making anything. I don't know why its too late, though. For some reason making food in the evening is difficult. Maybe its from when I lived at a dorm and didn't want to bother anyone.

Then you've got the speed of time when you're in the waiting room before your session. It feels like you're waiting forever and you can't wait to get it started despite that you'll be talking about difficult subjects. The hour during session on the other hand, flies in an amazing speed. 45 minutes feel like maybe five, so I'm sure to say that I've had good use of them. Many things have been discussed, and maybe I felt the need to talk as I really couldn't discuss different things.

I think many struggling with anxiety focuses on time during bad times. If you have to do something at a certain time of the day, you look at the clock and realize that you can't call it off. Again with me and my travelling. I know when I need to go to the buss to get to the airport in time. I've checked the bus routes more than twice. My anxiety doesn't get any less untill I actually start my journey and being productive. The waiting unleashes a cascade of anxiety attacks. And now, you want the time to pass as fast as possible eventhough it feels as if it does a complete standstill.

I don't know where I want to go with this. You might say it's just to pass some time. Being depressed and spending a lot of time at home alone is similar to cabin fever. Enjoying a hobby is difficult, for example. Or you can't do anything else one day if you have an errand that takes less than ten minutes. That day is full, not up for discussion. It's a bit weird that I usually spend the rest of the day doing nothing, most likely watching tv or reading online yet I could've done plenty of things and still have time to watch tv.

Taking or losing control

I still believe that we can choose how we want our own lifes to be. Somehow, I think it applies to everybody else than me. There isn't any good reason to why my life has taken the turns it has. Losing control is much easier than gaining control, as there is a difference between a passive approach and a more offensive approach. The fear of doing anything in case it might backfire fuels the passiveness.

Let's be clear about one thing. Wether my life takes turns for the better or for the worse, I don't blame anyone. The tendency to let other people take control relieves me of the responsibility of taking a stand. My biggest improvement was during the time I was at work five days a week. I gained confidence, self-respect and a belief in myself I haven't had in a long time. Of course this made a big change in me, both in the mood and mental health.

The status now is a bit different. Because I don't work as much now I don't get the constant refill of confidence through repetiting tasks, feeling of being wanted, that I have something to give. Sitting at home with nothing to do allows me focus very much on myself. Thoughts are selfdestructive and making it harder to actually doing something when I get the chance. 

Past or present, the ability to recieve credit has never been good. I have the tendency to think it's not a big deal. Translate this to "I'm no big deal". The thoughts of being a burden or not able to contribute as good as anyone else, are reoccuring.

Exactly why am I writing this now? First and foremost because that's how I feel just now. But also to never underestimate the importance of having something to go to on a regular basis. I wish that it was easier to get a job, if you're unemployed. The society don't benefit from having a person on paid leave, nor does the person. I know very well that it differs from person to person. As a standard though, the society can be even better at adapting the work load to how much you're able to do. Even the tiniest work is better than nothing. 

Lonelyness, whose responsibility?

Social media is supposed to bring us closer to eachother, making it easier to stay in touch. The irony, which has been pointed out several times, is that it does the opposite. I don't feel less lonely because I use them, quite the contrary. You update the page several times during the day to see if you've missed something, but in reality it just shows you that you're standing on the sideline.

Today's May 17th, a very special day here where you spend time among friends. Spending five hours by myself among thousands of other people made me think. I've got 289 friends on Facebook, non-Norwegians included. There are plenty of people that I regard as very good friends. Yet still, I feel lonely. The diagnosis I'm given is

Anxious [avoidant] personality disorder: Personality disorder characterized by feelings of tension and apprehension, insecurity and inferiority. There is a continuous yearning to be liked and accepted, a hypersensitivity to rejection and criticism with restricted personal attachments, and a tendency to avoid certain activities by habitual exaggeration of the potential dangers or risks in everyday situations.

People who know me will probably say that's me, totally spot-on. So my brain is somehow at fault for my own lonelyness. My fear of rejection stops me from taking an initiative to a social event. When I do, I rarely ask specific people for a specific thing. The best effort I'm able to do now is to voice a yearning which never gets settled.

Who is to blame? Am I to blame for my own lonelyness? I don't want to be lonely, missing out on what's going on in the world while I'm inside. It saddens me to see photos of what my friends are doing. I'm afraid to be seen as needy or lonely by constantly asking. That's weird, right? I don't want to be looked upon as lonely and that's keeping me from from socializing.  Nor am I saying my friends are responsible for me being lonely. It's not their job to pity or feel it's a necessity. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. It'll always come down to the eye of the beholder and his or her background. But we can all do something to prevent people, like me, from being lonely. Lonely people aren't lonely by choice but rather as a consequence from a social disability, not knowing how to be with people. Little things count just as much as any big thing. Just a hello or acknowledgement of your existence to show you're not forgotten brightens up any day.

           

Anxiety knocking on the door

I know you, I've seen you before.
You're the one bossing me around. 
messing me up
"Look at me, look at me" you say
Taunting my rationality

Please, go. Go away
you and I are not friends
my life feels broken
because of you

Anxiety, I didn't ask for you
I sweat, shiver and shake
what's more for you to take?

Wandering in the darkness
you block the light

Go away

Let me live
let me laugh

Coping, as best as I can
we fight and I?
I am against the ropes

Exchanging blows
winning rounds
and I'll assure you
this life, it's mine

Not going too well

Last few days haven't been all too good. And when thinking about it, I believe I know the reason for it. Being 100% sure is never easy. Next week involves a trip to Oslo with the rest of my coworkers. An event like that has a staggering effect, setting off what you might call an anxiety related to expectations. It's not that I think something bad might happen. Just the fact that travelling with somebody I haven't travelled with before is enough. Same thing happened last time before I went to London, therefore it's not completely unexpected.

Anxiety is an abstract way of describing a condition unless you explain further. The inability to sit still for a longer period of time is reoccurring with the feeling of someone's touching the skin, but I guess that's the muscles working. My appetite is also reduced, not wanting to eat or feeling an inability to eat. Many times in my childhood and upbringing, I've had anxiety or panick attacks that made my muscles in the throat, that you use to swallow, so tight that it feels like you're about to choke on every piece of food. No wonder I don't want to eat much if that's how it feels like.

So that's the physical aspect. What does it do with my thoughts and behaviour? For some reason I imagine that it'll go away if I, in this instance, stay at home. There won't be any explosion if you remove the trigger, sort of. This problem is maybe what I'm most ashamed of. Not in a way that I think it's my own fault, but I just feel bad for not being able to do things without having this thing, casting a shadow over me. I avoid people, definitely, withdraw to my own solitude. And that's wrong way of dealing with it. I know that, and I've heard a thousand times. It's a reflex, a bad one, but still a reflex. How do you even get back on track when you're not able to voice your despair?

Leader or follower? Continue or stop?

Who am I and what do I try to achieve with this? Two very essential questions yet not that easy to answer. Am I stepping forward, to the frontline in the fight for enlightment around mental health? I'm not a leader by default. My personality and tendency to hide aren't compatible as a leader where you're supposed to stand out.

But I do this thing to get attention, don't I? You might say that I'm trying to make a difference at the same time as I try to not stand out. I'm fine as long as I know for myself that my work has contributed to something. To go boldly out and say that this would be a significant change to how we treat each other and ourselves, not only would that be completely out of character but also more of a leader's mindset. A leader without followers is not a good leader, and that's precisely how I think about myself. Maybe it's just a lack of practice that's holding me back. 

A part of me knows what's keeping me back: myself. Failing or succeeding, both scenarios frighten me. Therefore it is not so much about the outcome but that I don't know what the outcome will be. Not knowing and not having control are triggers to my anxiety yet they should be keeping me curious and wanting to know more. One man said one time that you should "dare to fail". Dare to fail, and learn from that. Take a chance and see where you might end up. I equate failing to personal failure. Leaders don't do that. You can be a good leader and still fail at projects. It's how you deal with the failure that determines how you're as a leader.

Getting from point A to point B

Doing errands isn't that difficult, right? That might be true if you don't have a form of social anxiety that imprisons you in your own home. Imagining yourself where you're supposed to go might even be too difficult. The small steps, like getting on your feet, are enough to stop you. I've received a strategy which might seem a bit corny at first but it works. My oldest siste taught me this one, so credit is all hers.

What it all comes down to is to not take a bigger bite than you can chew. Dissecting a task that seems overwhelming at first, will be easier to overcome if you take it step by step. For example, when you get up from wherever you sit you might as well go to the closet and get dressed. It's not dangerous plus there is always a chance to stop. But you won't, I know. I had to laugh when I learned this. So, you're dressed. In my case, I'd have to go to the bus. Why not, I'm ready to go after all? You might wait a few minutes at the bus stop for the bus to arrive. I'm guessing you'll step onboard when it shows. If this seems too difficult, there is always the chance of dividing up the segments into smaller pieces. My own experiences are that you'll have a bigger chance of succeding, rather than just saying it's impossible and not even try. Celebrate every effort. We're all different and some need a bit more time. Even if you feel that you need to turn back home again, don't be hard on yourself filing it as a failure. Mark it as a victory because you tried.

How are you today?

My therapist always asked me this at the start of every session, and in a way that it sounded genuine. I find it easier to open up when people actually care. Anyway, I usually had a standard answer: Indifferent. That's how I experience depression, with no real highs and no lows. Kind of like an emotional zombie, I guess. Breaking out of this state of mind is never easy with little to no external input. 

I remember that my sessions were rarely about how I felt right there and then but rather topic based. For all I know I might've written this before, so be gentle. Anyway, a social anxiety has made solutions on how not to get that anxiety. They're irrational, but still there. The prime example is that I always show up for appointments way too early with the reason that I don't like to be late. As much as I don't like to be late, it's more about keeping control. Knowing when I need to get dressed, which bus to take, take the bus and still have time in case something keeps me in control of my anxiety. Or is it vice versa? The anxiety, or rather the fear of feeling anxious, is what controls me. A situation like this has never been payed much attention to before up untill a different person, with the knowledge about this, started questioning all this. I don't have any formal knowledge but it sounds reasonable when explained. A rule of thumb that I learned was that if I couldn't explain properly why I did this and that, then I should just stop it. Didn't make sense. Anyway, It's been so long since I saw a therapist and therefore not easy remembering things. Group sessions are closer in time, making it easier to write a bit more about. I know I've mentioned it before but that might've been the first post or something. Plus I might remembe something else now that I've been doing this for a while. 

I am ____ enough?

I am not good enough. A line making a really big difference of what you're saying to yourself. Not just there and then, but for the future. Discrediting myself have I done all my life. Whatever I've done it's never enough to give a pat on the back. My therapist asked me why. I couldn't answer that properly. When did I start doing this? Didn't have an answer for that one either.

I am not good enough
I am not good enough
I am not good enough
I am not good enough
I am not good enough

Saying that to myself over the years became an automatic reflex. I had lost before I even tried, resulting in not daring to try anything new. I've stayed within my comfortzone, both physical and mental. I was asked by my therapist how big my feature would have to be to let me be proud of myself. Furthermore, she encouraged me to name of things I've done in the daily life that I could be proud of. She had to give examples but I brushed everything off as absurd to be proud of. Like the days where I've put all of my focus to just getting out, in retrospect I won't say that that is something to be proud of. Everybody does it, right? 

What it all comes down to is rewiring the brain. A cognitive "error" if you like can be fixed. Not as easy as it was to learn it, though. I've mentioned this before. One needs to be in the moment and observe when doing something worth a mention. It's easier to believe what you're saying when you're in the moment and maybe feeling the sense of adrenalin rush, than thinking back to it. Then it's just a memory, easy to disbelief.

So, will you, together with me, make that line and rewrite the sentence?

I am not good enough.

I've been there...

I know how it feels when you're shaking and don't know why
I know what it feels like when you want to scream and can't say a word
I know how it is to cry for no reason

The reality is only a blurr, I know
You're captured by your own mind
You're locked up, can't escape. Where's the key, where's the key?

Every second is an eternity.
You just want the day to end, yet the next day you don't want the next start
You're blind. Can't see the people around you. They can't help, they don't know how it is

You start to embrace the solitude. It's safe. But what if?
You feel a slight hope
Do you dare?

Progress, you want to get well
Relapse, knew it
What do you have left?

I've been there, feeling the hopelesness
I've felt the despair
The road is long, and tough. But you know what?

It get's better.

Communication

How much one is getting out of a session with a therapist depends on the chemistry between the two people as well as your own willingness to tell about yourself. Being personal wasn't my thing before I started going to therapy sessions. I basically had to learn how to be in a session. I saw a psychologist during my last year before I moved away from home, and this was completely different to what I've experienced where I live now. Back home I usually answered in short sentences, where as here the psychologist(s) gave me the opportunity to speak more freely rather than just answering questions with yes or no.

Telling a person your secrets, no matter how personal, is scary. I often sat there wanting to talk about a topic yet I felt the anxiety approaching very rapidly. The tendency of speaking quite vague was there in the beginning, especially when we talked about love, physical or emotional. You know that once you've started a sentence that there's no going back. The feeling of embarrasment over whatever the topic was disappeared soon enough.

The taboo and stigma rearding talking about mental health and personal things made a big gap between talking one on one with a therapist and "the real world". There was still only a few selected who I trusted well enough to talk about myself in that way. However, this has changed, at least a bit. I feel it's easier to speak about it to a bigger selection of people than before. The tendency of being precise on what I'm talking about is also changed. Nowadays I'm probably a bit too direct. So I'm saying that I'm having a bad day if someone asks. How else is a person supposed to know if you're answering something else? If we are supposed to overcome the taboo of talking about our mental health, we need to say what is actually happening. Answering that you're fine when asked was a thing I thought for a long time as a social norm, and therefore you weren't supposed to let anyone know. Conversation in a friendship is a two way-thing. My impression is that you're honoring eachother's respect when talking about personal problems. You have to trust the other person just as the other person has to trust you.

Silly phrases, only a letdown

Smalltalk has never been a thing for me. Those who say it is a form of art have understood a whole lot more than I have. I don't smalltalk; the only thing I do is awkward silence while trying to come up with something that doesn't sound stupid. However, I don't mind if another person starts as it is easier for some reason. Taking the initiative in a conversation is still a struggle, but I am getting there. Practice is all that is needed

Well, enough of that. Conversating in general is difficult with all the different rules that might be present according to which setting you're in. Also, there are the annoying phrases I don't like. Such as "we need to do this again sometime", or "we should do something together soon". More or less anything that isn't set to a date is an invitation to disappointment. Deep inside I know we won't see each other again for a long time. How do you think it makes me feel? I feel unwanted, as you say it only because it's what is tradion to do. And it's sad, especially when someone I've considered as a dear friend does that.

Part of my issues, or a big part of it, is the fear of ending up alone. Not just as in a boyfriend/girlfriend-relationship but also with friends. Particularly friends I've had for a long time, and where we drift apart. It's so easy for me to feel like everybody else are out there accomplishing things and I'm just here. Stuck. I'm stuck because I've used friends as support in tough times and now I've got no one to lean onto. 

How I relate to this is so unclear. I mean, I've lost many friends I had at the university. People I'd do anything for. They're just gone. My head has to start asking why, of course. Is it me? Am I a bad person? Did they only include me out of pity? Facing the truth is never easy. I probably spend more calories thinking about what I had than what I have now. People you think will be around forever might not be there tomorrow. My difficulty in getting new friens could as well be a taught strategy from getting hurt. If I don't let people get to know me, I can't get hurt. Doesn't make any sense, really. Having said that, the friends I've got now and surround myself with are the best ones I've had. I really hope they know how much I appreciate them. 

Never take friends for granted. Never. Without them, I am nothing.

Touching me, touching you

Well, third time trying to put something down. Not being able to put fairly good sentences on the screen is usually not a good sign. It frustrates me, just how the battle of anxiety frustrates me. Whatever I try to write, it's not good enough. The devil sits on my shoulder, disencouraging me.

He's there. I can feel him. The anxiety that's supposed to make me prepared in an emergency is wired all wrong. I can't control when the alarm can go off. Having the ability to live a life not influenced by the devil we have on our shoulder is what we all strive for. Mine is anxiety among other things, where as somebody else might struggle with something completely different and at the same time just as important. Well, I can control it to some extent but it's still there. I feel, or fear, that having a mental diagnosis makes me looked upon as "not normal" despite how many who actually are having their own problems.

What is normal anyway, and who's to decide that? I'll probably never see myself as normal given what I've been through. I don't see why that shouldn't be OK? Being abnormal is not negative nor positive. I can still be abnormal and keep my dignity. This fight isn't a defeat as long as I keep functioning by living by myself, having a job etc. And I'll still have my dignity without them. Not quite sure where I am going with this, to be honest. Dragging myself down and not giving any credit make me question why my worth as a person is the same as anybody else, like it has to be earned. Things that have positive effect on my self esteem are to be expected, being appreciated, included, and cared about. The depressing is so self-contradictory when it is keeping me from the things that might help me.

I know the title has nothing to do with what I've written. What I was trying to write about was the effect and importance of human contact has on the mental shape. That was for some reason a bit too complex to make it understandable for the reader. Anxiety or depression don't really make much sense either. Why would our brains try to break us down and keep us from functioning, is beyond me. For example, feeling the anxiety now when writing this when what I want is people to read this, makes no sense. It might be compared to stage fright when you're on a stage, only that the crowd is missing.

Need to break out?

Being introvert combined with depression and social anxiety isn't exactly the best combination. Identifying the behaviour can be tricky regarding which feeling should be put on the account of introvert, depression or the anxiety. 

I've always enjoyed my own company, and not having the need to be social to be happy. As a kid I played, read, practiced my football all by myself and still feeling content. I'm a few years older now and hopefully a bit wiser. Being alone is most noticable during the weekends when you notice everything your friends are doing, while you're at home.

My envy of people who are capable of socializing often is very much there. There is a voice inside me wanting to be like that. So why aren't I? The anxiety is using the introvert part of me to reason why I should just stay at home. No need to go outside where it' dangerous when you can stay at home, right? If I really wanted to do that, I wouldn't have had these thoughts in the first place, and spending time thinking about what everybody else are doing.

I don't even know why I don't like being in crowds either. Maybe it's the fear of not having control of the situation. I mean, as every person has his or her own free will, they can do or say things I can't plan ahead a response to. This relates to how I like to prepare what I can say in conversations to not feel stupid or boring. So therefore spending time at home does seem logical yet irrational. The place where I am most comfortable is in long run a bad choice, meanwhile places where I'm least comfortable are the ones that I might benefit the most from in the future. All this might seem very confusing and it is. Take it from me who experience it every day. I'm not even sure that psychologists got the complete hang of me after six years. Maybe it takes a lifetime for me to understand myself.

Darkness, imprisoning me

Anxiety is definitely a horror of mine. A reoccuring nightmare which pulls me under, blocking every input. Despite this, I can't fight it when it's flexing its muscles. That only makes matter worse. Surrendering yourself and let the wave of anxiety might sound illogical. But it works, honest.

I've been there countless of times. It's a dark path in the woods. The path is never the same yet you swear you walked it just the other day. The anxiety shuts a gate, forcing you to take the inhospitable woods. Any person might be a bit jumpy, even by the slightest noice. It's quite common that anxiety or a panick attack isn't constant. Small peaks make it very unpleasant. You can read this post about grading your level of anxiety. It's important to keep going. A quote often claimed to be said by Churchill is "if you're going through Hell, keep on going". 

A panick attack is exhausting. You'll be as exhausted physically as well as mentally. It is completely understandable that nobody wants to go through the woods again knowing that it takes its toll. The fear of fear is always there, enhancing and probably provoking your anxiety to step up. The bravest person is the one who welcomes the anxiety. Not to fight it, nor to give up. But knowing that each time is a victory where you grow stronger, meanwhile the anxiety loses grip.

A success of mental and practical value

Yesterday, 3 pm. Taking the deep breath initiates it all. The mission has begun. 

Do I feel ready? No. Would I avoid it if I could? Most likely. Am I able? We'll see.

 The bus isn't just a means of transportation. It also brings me one step closer towards a possible failure, rather than success. Another deep breath before opening the store's door. You feel like a deer in the headlights, so out of the comfortzone.Go inside, ask for help. How difficult can that be? I guess the question is also the answer, in a way. Right, got the stuff. Confidence is growing. This is a walk in the park.

Doing something that's been put off for so long time is a bit weird because it raises so many underlying questions:

Have I feared failure? Have I felt shame because I kept postponing it? Did I not want to ask for how it should be done and therefore feeling inferior? Yes.

What I basically did was changing the tuners on my old guitars, to make it function properly again. Coincidentally it is the same one I've wanted to replace. I'm not so sure anymore if I want to. First and foremost because of the sentimental value. I've had it for 14 years! Plus it was quite a hazzle, but it was expected. So doing it and not be able to enjoy it bugs me a bit. The most important reason is that currently as it is now an working, it's a symbol of success. A success after a mental fight as well as a practical fight. Using tools isn't my strongest feature. At least I know where my mental toolbox is.

When something you love turns into a thing of dislike

In the beginning of this week I read an article about a young footballer who decided to retire eventhough he's only 21 years old. A goalkeeper, like he was, can easily play 16-17 years on the highest level. So what happened? He wrote a long post explaining why. The main reasons were performance anxiety and depression. The sport he once loved had turned into a nightmare because of how serious it all had become as a professional player. 

I can very much relate to how this person feels about the situation. Football was something I treasured very much, spending hours practicing by myself in my spare time, showing up an hour early before practice. I loved it, because I had talent and it was an arena where fun had the highest priority. That changed when I got around 14-15. Too much arguing inside the player group, only focus on results, getting yelled at for not performing as expected. This might be were my performance anxiety showed itself for the first time. A fear of doing something wrong makes you not being able to do anything at all.

What's weird is that I still remember my last training session with the team. I remember knowing it would be my last one because I had made up my mind in advance. In someway that made me relax and probably perform better. That chapter of my life came to a close. Realizing that playing wasn't fun anymore was easy yet hard to admit. Blaming it on focusing on schoolwork made it seem as a more rational choice of priority. 

How one relates to losing what's a part of your identity almost, is up to each and everyone. Suddenly there was so much time to fill when there was no training session or matches to play. Football was also my social arena, yet I wasn't able to find a substitute ending up at home when I wasn't at school. 

At the end of the day I like to think that I somehow grew on deciding to quit when I did. It's one of the few times I've been "selfish" and done what I've felt is right. Even so, the memories of the good times are still there. Eventhough something comes to an end doesn't mean it's been a waste of time.

Taking the first step

I remember some years ago a campaign was running on TV. Two men were sitting side by side, with the one had a t-shirt with "I'm struggling" printed on it while the other one had "I know you are" printed on his t-shirt. That is a classic stalemate and I've encountered it many times. Admitting to yourself that you're dealing with something is difficult enough, telling someone else can therefore be a daunting task. Words can't be retracted and the relation to the other person might not be the same again as you don't know how he or she will react.

Being the friend can't be that easy either; should you say something or shouldn't you? Taking that step gives you a position where you can help, and start a conversation about what the problem is. People tend to avoid bringing up this topic despite that they can do something for another one, in fear of bothering in one way or the other. I'm not sure if that's a typical Norwegian thing. Mental health is rarely talked about even among friends.

Being the person who struggles and finding it difficult being open about it, I have my own thoughts about this. Be the one taking the first step, and start the conversation. You're taking a huge weight off of the shoulders. It's also a kind of relief knowing that someone knows even if you haven't told them. Normally one would try to keep a mask to hide how you really feel. That mask can now be thrown in the garbage bin.

Don't worry about the friend might be upsed if you're asking or telling him that you know. My bet is that it is mostly the surprise of someone knowing that sets off a reaction, not that they're mad. Even so, sometimes you need to dare asking if you already know how the response might be. Mental health should never be underestimated. My own experiences also tell me that being direct gives direct answers. Using metaphores or sayings gives an opportunity to not give full answers, while not directly lying. You'd answer just enough so you think your friend will stop bothering you. So in short, friendship is kind of like marriage, in a way. There won't be just happy days. A good friendship will stand the test of times, though.

Improvised yesterday

Yesterday took an odd and unexpected turn, to say the least. I had to stop by work for something, of course after postponing it at least once, maybe twice. So yeah, I took the bus, feeling a bit anxious. That feeling always sneak up on me if there's a place I haven't been at for a few days even with it's categorized as safe in my head. A colleague of mine wasn't feeling very well and asked if I could take the second half of the shift.

I said I might as well since I was already there. This sudden turn of events was a pleasant surprise. As previously mentioned, it is often easier to mobilize your inner strength when somebody depends on you or asks for a favour. You don't just change into your uniform but also change the mindset. How we are able to do that still fascinates me. I went from wanting to paint something so I could watch the paint dry to working at the till, and I didn't mind either.
Eventhough you don't talk much to the other people at work you still have the sense of working together with someone. Being appreciated and knowing that my presense contributes to something is important to me.

When you get home around nine pm all you want to do is to relax, right? I wouldn't have done anything else if I hadn't been at work, though still it is more satisfying after coming home. It's not a secret that I'm not very social or spend time around people, which I know is my own wrongdoing. Nonetheless, speaking to friends online happens daily. Online social activity can't replace the face to face-way, I know that, but still shouldn't be disregarded as useless, especially as I met one of my closest friends online.

Looking for problems and finding them

It's nice to be prepare yourself before doing anything, right? Preparing means to be one step ahead and have a practical solution to what might go wrong. Social anxiety isn't like that. It is always looking for anything that might trigger a panick attack. But does it help you find a solution or rationalize it? Nope, you're on your own there. 

It is the same song and dance everytime I need to go outside, like grocery shopping where I don't have an appointment of some sort. I don't need to rush as the store is open untill 11 pm. That's what my anxiety is telling me, trying to rationalize me avoiding the stress of going outside. A mental battle like this can go on for an hour or two. But why?

What is the worst outcome that could happen, here or in any other case? You might hurt yourself? Meeting people you don't want to meet? Forgot money? For most, I dare to say all eventual outcomes there is at least one way to fix it, so relax. You can't be prepared for any possible outcome, anyway. Deduct the scenarios that are unlikely to happen and you're left with those you have the tools to fix. It is also what happens inside of you. Instantaneously the anxiety sets in, usually using similar happenings in the past as the truth. Maybe you were told as a kid that proper people should know how to behave and act, and you suddenly say to yourself that you're worthless etc. Which of course isn't true. So for me, at least, the social anxiety is just as much a fear of ending up in a sitation that initiates the anxiety, as it is to go outside. 


"Can you fix the problem? If yes, fix it and don't worry. If not, forget about it and don't worry."

Each post is scary

Writing texts has never been a black or white thing for me, there are definitely more shades to it than that. I like to write, believe it or not. What's stopping me is probably the lack of confidence and that the result is rarely how I see it in advance.  The responses to my texts during the semesters at the university were always positive except for the exams. Putting me on the spot with a short "deadline" probably doesn't give the best result but still an honest opinion. I think that writing what is in your mind also gives an insight in how ones mind works. If I am to write and rewrite, the result might end up as a well written text, with a bigger distance between me and the topic.

So even these small texts are quite difficult to write, more than one would expect them to be. There is also the fear of not reaching out. Eventhough I am happy for every reader no matter how many or few visit this page, the feeling of rejection becomes apparent. Problem is that I don't know if my writing is bad, topic is not interesting enough, people might not know about it in the first place. I also feel that I might be a bad at writing because it is so difficult to come up with something to write. Yet at the same time I picture everybody else with a clear vision of what to write and how. I can only fully understand how exhausting my posts are to write (they truly are, I feel empty inside when posting), and not see the work which lies behind other texts.

A feeling of envy pops up when I see someone gets attention for writing about the same topic. Their success usually turns into self-loathing, blaming myself for not knowing how to make my voice heard. I don't know if any post would be of any help to begin with. Either way, that's not up to me to decide. That's up to the potential reader. My own experiences tell me that a revelation can come from the smallest of things. What I do know, though, is that my struggles should not be in vain. The feeling of walking down the road alone is always lurking in the back of the head regardless of what people around you do. Reading articles might help more than one would think. You just need to let them have a try, either here or at someone else's page. After all, what's the worst that could happen?

What's your number?

I've had more than one experience of how difficult it is to communicate what you are feeling and discomfort. Mental illness is so vague that often you don't know what you're feeling. Thresholds of pain, either physical or mental, are quite subjective. I have a tip for you that will make this easier, and it's quite obvious when you think about it. All you have to do is grade what you feel from one to ten where ten is almost unbearable. So if you say to someone that your anxiety level is, let's say eight or nine, the person would understand that it is quite high based on his or her experiences.

Grading anxiety, depression and any other problems also helps you in your journey of recovery. Again, describing what you are feeling isn't always that easy. But you do, however, feel a change of some sort. Is it better or worse? Try to grade how you are feeling after each session of training. Writing down a word or two doesn't hurt either if there's something special. Putting a number to your current state is a great start, though.

Then the question of when to be satisfied might come up. Is it benefitial to set the anxiety level of one as a goal if you're constantly up around eight, nine or even ten? Or maybe that's contradictory to what you would like to achieve? Perhaps you can be satisfied around a four. A lot of work has been done as long as the anxiety isn't bigger than you can still be in the situation. Any progression is worth smiling for. Experiencing a few relapses is expected, so no need to grind bad thoughts because of that. Two steps back is a good deal if you advance four or five steps next turn, right?

Holidays

Hope you all had a great Easter or any other holiday you might have celebrated these days. I just wanted to make a little post about holidays as I have a rather ambivalent feeling about them. Spending time with my family doesn't mind me at all, don't get me wrong. But at the same time, I feel there are so many expectations about them: You're together at all times, eveything is super, little room for any spontanity if you have traditions from earlier years. Mind you, these are very general and I don't think everybody thinks this way. Maybe it has something to do with depression, who knows?

For those of you who know me, know that I'm quite calm and introverted. So in my case, spending time around a lot of people over a longer period of time is exhausting. There is no rule that says you have to be social all the time. My advice is to do it on your own terms, don't let the anxiety control you, isolating you. Going for a walk is always nice to let the senses focus on new things.

Holidays are meant to be joyful occations but that doesn't mean you can't be in touch with how you're feeling. There is no need to feel like a party pooper or guilt of any sort. What you're dealing with has nothing to do with disrespecting any of the other guests or the host. It's their own fault if they think so. This can be a good time to understand more about yourself, too. Is there anything extra happening that sets of a feeling of discomfort, and if so, why? Point is, you're allowed to not be in tip top shape, even during Christmas. 

The last year I've spent two Easters, I think, away from home and this year was the first time I celebrated Christmas away from home, as well. Eventhough it is nice to be home and do things the way you usually do them, doing some changes is always nice. Some preferr to spend a holiday on their own. Again, and this goes for anything really, do what you do out of excitement or joy. Don't let the depression decide for you, nor let other people tell you what to do. 

Don't take things for granted

I've had a stiff neck the last two or three days, making it difficult as well as painful to turn my head either direction. A situation like this made me again think how strange the human body is. The difference between how my neck is now and how it usually is, is quite big. Such a small area on our body not functioning properly and we don't give it credit when it works fine.

The same thing goes for our mental health. Everybody has a mental health. You have a good mental health if you're not depressed or struggle with any other issues, but the health is still there. Just like saying you're in good physical shape, you can be in good mental shape. Remember to acknowledge that when you are in that state of mind; flex those mental muscles in front of the mirror. Well, maybe not, but you get the idea. Don't feel any need to hide it, from yourself or other.

Your mental health need to be maintained just as your body. Not by lifting weights, but rather through exercises or constructive thinking. Let's face it, some are more responsive or more able to have a mental illness than others. That's why you need to find out what works for you so you don't have to start from scratch everytime. Repetitions of exercises you do either in public or at home builds up your "immune system" so to speak. Plus not everything works for everybody. That's why you can familiarize yourself in the "mental gym" and the stations available. Some even get a tutorial by a training expert, here a psychologist, to help you find the right stations for what you want to practice. From personal experience, I know that excersises are tough, especially if they're something you're not used to. Having a form of reaction afterwards, either physical or mental, is not unheard of, I suppose. That's like having sore muscles you haven't used in ages.

Strange thing happened yesterday

Happy Monday to you who decides to read this. My weekend consisted of working, even yesterday although it's not a common thing in this country. Working the first shift on Sundays is actually one of the best shifts on the schedule, believe it or not. Now, the strange thing that happened. Sometimes I have my wallet in a pocket on my uniform while working but probably not so much in the future and here's why: I lost my wallet!

Or so I thought. Initially I thought somebody had stolen it. This was such a letdown. Losing a key or something else is almost unforgivable. As I might've written earlier my harsh judgement will never be transferable to other people. My high expectations of myself really limits me. So, after spending a lot of time looking, retracing my steps, cursing and blaming myself, I actually found it. And you know what? I felt something that I haven't felt in a long time. I felt happy! I'm not meaning just feeling content but actually the kind of happiness where you want to hug everybody around you and smile. So one of the worst incidents I've had in a long time turned into an occasion of joy; not just because that I was happy at that very moment but also the significance of being able to be happy.

The question I ask myself now is where did that come from? Why am I not able to feel like that on a normal day? Maybe it's my assumption of how other people are when they describe themselves as happy. I see them as euphoric and head over heels with joy, when in the end there is no final answer to what happiness really is. In the meantime, I'm happy with being content. Setting the bar too high will only bring you down again, right?

Lonely?

When you're social life is a bit different there are many outcomes. It all comes down to how you choose to deal with the problem. Take me as an example; I have social anxiety and tendency to avoid crowds. The result is often that I feel lonely and less worth than other people. Many of my friends do know about my struggle with depression. How many do know that I feel lonely? Very few, I reckon. Now, feeling and being lonely aren't necessarily the same thing, but it's easy to think that especially when you have friends yet still don't meet them on your spare time. 

People might say that it's no more difficult than typing a text or making a call. I don't disagree but why am I different? From the moment I want to make contact with someone it can take several days before I actually go through with it. Days with stress, anxiety and wondering about the outcome. Earlier experiences with negative results act as foreshadowing and not knowing the result is often the most comfortable. Neither do I disturb anyone with a call.

Knowing that I'm creating all sorts of problems in my head is frustrating and a bit discouraging, to be honest. I understand that what I think is "normal" is actually wrong, therefore I must act opposite of what seems logical to prove my sense of logic actually is wrong. Furthermore, what stops me from being social also prevents me from telling how I feel. Telling people that you're lonely is so hard, because one would think that that should be a piece of cake, that you're a failure. Saying that, using your voice, often gives that thought credibility, more than if it's just a thought. 
Nor do I want to ask to join other people's plans. I only feel that I'm not wanted as I'm not asked in the first place.

Read the paragraph above again and see what's reoccuring. It's the usage of "feel". That's what all of this is about, feeling and thinking like this happens because of a malpractice by the brain. The reality is not like that, though. It's difficult to say that truth is objective as what we see as truth is coloured by our own subjective stands. The present plus the past tell us what we think we want to hear, confirming our negative theories. That doesn't mean the problems aren't real, though. Otherwise one would correct them without any help. And there is no shame in asking for help. I don't understand why the society is so competitive, strength is only shown when doing everything by yourself. Exposing your weakness is actually a show of strength.

Update!

It's been a few days since my last post, but there's no drama to report. The supermarket has done a big upgrade and all of the employees have helped out. We've rearranged the layout of the store, all of the shelves have been repositioned and the most of the items have different places in the store noe. We did all of that and let me tell you it's not a simple job. Each shelf has its own chart to where things go and we need to follow that, which is quite mentally exhausting. Then there's the physical aspect of moving heavy stuff, too. We started Saturday afternoon and was finished Monday evening, so it's a massive effort.

It's taken its toll on me personally. First and foremost by the fact that there are so many people around you: Electricians, carpenters and many other people do their job. I'd say it's a bit chaotic but there's a plan to this chaos. Having to deal with so many is a bit out of the ordinary for me but I don't mind. We had the opportunity to talk while working and having a lot of fun. The project is quite social and important for making a team. Eventhough I could only sit in my sofa when I got home I would do it again. Being part of a team givees me a boost, so does spending time with colleagues and being appreciated for my contribution. 

In other news, football season has started again and this is my 9th season as season ticket holder. I remember watching the games as a kid, dreaming about seeing a game live. The rush you get when walking out on the stands is still as fresh as it was the first time I watched a game. 9 seasons are a lot of games, and a lot of happy moments as well as sad moments. That's the beauty of the game. You and many thousands of people go each match, sharing a passion. What you also share are the good and bad times as a unit. The feeling of being part of something bigger than yourself is there just as it is at work. A good or bad result in the end doesn't matter; watching football has given me so much fun. And after all, nothing becomes history as quickly as a bad result.

Visual signs on state of mind

I really need to pay more attention on the newspages. Recently there was a heading that said there has been research done on how we dress ourselves. I only got as far as opening the tab before doing something else. That's just great. Anyway, the researchers claimed that your state of mind and how well you feel determines what kind of clothes we choose and how much time we use to look good. Anyone who is happy and satisfied would choose proper attire when being out in public, he or she cares about the appearance as opposed to let's say a depressed one.

I'm not sure if this fits me. Sure, I wear sweatpants when I'm at home and I don't bother to change if I'm only going to the store for some food. However, I do take my time to wear nice clothes when heading somewhere. My mood and how I feel about myself go up and down as it does for most people. Despite this, my choice of clothing has changed only slightly these last years.

Wearing a suit was normal attire for me the last couple of years at the university. It is a far stretch to say that all my self confidence at the time came from the suit but it definitely had an influence. A positive side effect I discovered was that I had to keep in mind how my posture was. Sitting properly was the only way to do it in the study halls. As most people do when they come home I was quick with changing to something more comfortable. This made it easier to relax when being at home, my mind got a clearer perception of what was work and what was spare time. In the long run, though, was I less depressed during my years as a student? Probably not. The motivation for dressing nicely was different, however. I felt more respected, more liked and received more attention in general. All of this probably affected my mood. Is this just babbling or does it make some sort of sense?

What if?

My mind usually thinks about everything and nothing, even at the same time. A central topic, or category if you like, is the what if-category. What if I had chosen a different field of study, what if I had taken a different bus yesterday. There's hardly a limit to what I can think about. My view on the world is that everything is coincidental, with no specific route to the goal. It is fascinating to a certain extend to imagine what all the different alternative "roads" are like. 

You know what I think the reason for this is? Well, I think it's because of my lack of confidence and self esteem. I'm having such a hard time trusting my choices that I always wonder if the grass is greener on the otherside. I am getting better at not caring, eventhough that brings up the issue of wether I'm irresponsible or not. One thing leads to the next one with social anxiety. And there all present to prevent you functioning like you really would like to. If you asked me what to focus on, I'd say you focus on the confidence. That seems more like the underlying issue to me. The way to do it is just as easy as it is difficult: by not caring about the small things in life that don't really matter. Just writing that makes me doubt myself. Expecting a failure is somewhat easier to relate to, rather than thinking everything will be just fine on the first try and then be mad at myself. It's been a shield of mine for as long as I can remember, and probably keeping me away from happy moments, as well.

On a different note, I see something interesting when reading the statistics of the viewers. Lately more people from outside of Norway have visited this page than Norwegians. I do promote each post because I want as many people to read what I have to say. But this doesn't say why there are so many international readers. Is social anxiety more relevant to the international readers? Is it because you know me, or maybe not know me? Same goes for my Norwegian readers: what makes it interesting to read? I'm very grateeful that you take your time, whatever the reason may be. After all, you click on the link when you easily could just skip it.

Scary places and their powers

Greetings, readers. It's yet another Monday, and I know you either like them or hate them. I've done some errands today, which means that I've also spent some time taking the bus from place to place. Taking the bus is something I don't mind, however I don't like waiting for the bus. One of the things I like is that you can zone completely out and think about whatever you want.

Today my mind wandered backwards in time and reflected upon what I've struggled to do. A tendency to avoid certain social situations or places is a constant enemy. The anxiety is lurking in the background eventhough I might not recognize any symptom; they're such a big part of how I am that I might not react to it. However, I do know it's there when I feel the urge to withdraw myself from a situation. 

The funny thing is, most of times there is nothing to be afraid of. Anxiety is an interaction between body and mind to make you alert of danger. You might have felt discomfort in the same place on an earlier occasion or just being able to draw parallells to a completely different place is enough for the anxiety to appear. I remember going back to school to redo my senior year; high puls, shivering, sweating and a desire to go home. This was I was afraid to exposing myself, to face the recent defeat. Not just facing my thoughts about myself but also the fear of what other might say. The latter really scared me. I'm not a mindreader, you know. I probably wouldn't believe them either if they said what they thought about me. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, huh?

Forwarding a bit in time to where I live now. The same problem was present when I had a hard time at the university. All of my expectations of myself were there waiting to talk me down just as I entered the door, and my friends would probably shun me like the plague. Things normalised themselves after about six months or so and then I didn't drag myself down. You sort of forget to think about what might go wrong after a while when nothing's happened over a longer period of time.

You might say there is a fear of the fear itself. I've always been scared of  doing something wrong or embarrasing myself at a place in which I am comfortable. I guess knowing the answer to the problem is somewhat a downer, too. I know that I have to fight the anxiety by approaching the situation and stay in it, and I know how much effort that takes. Many battles have I fought, yet the final number is unknown. Somehow I know that there is another fight against the deamons. This means my sword shall stay ready.

Changing the past?

We all know that we should not look backwards but forwards. I like to use the train as a metaphor. When depressed you would rather sit with your back towards the direction in order to see where you have been, rather than looking forward to see where you might be. The interesting question is why we, or at least I, do it. Do we wish we could change the past? Or are we trying to analyze the chain of events that led up to the present day?

I think we humans tend to seek reliable answers no matter how difficult the question is. An answer in a chaotic world is assuring, comforting. Still, I think it's too easy to say that the result b is because of action a. Natural sciences can operate with such laws but there are so much that happens in our lifes outside of our control. At least I can't pinpoint a specific situation and say my depression and anxiety derived out of that. If I had the chance to go back and make a different choice, would I? Probably not. The alternative version is unknown and for all I know it could be worse. My depression has been an angel in disguise, sort of speak. I've met so many great people and done a whole lot I probably wouldn't have if I didn't retake my senior year at college. For all I know I might have not even lived here.

Don't get too comfy looking sitting against the train's direction, though. From my experience it is easy to become passive and an observer of your life, letting the train take you wherever it is going. You need to take control of that train and change course based on what you want to do. There is no right or wrong here; activities that give you happiness for a short while are just as important as keeping focus on your longterm goals. Again, use your fanclub for what it's worth. Sometimes you need to be pushed in the direction of fun.