Control

Control. That's what it is all about. Fear of losing control over my thoughts, fear of not getting it back, the battle between feelings and reason. I'd say the battle between feelings and reason is in all of us, not just me. Wether it's a fear of heights, pets or any other thing, we might not think of it like that. I know very well that what makes me feel anxious are far away from any logic. When thinking in a rational manner, questioning my scenarios, it's easier to see that they don't hold any water. Why keep doing something whichh isn't beneficial?

My anxiety and symptoms involved have had a strong grip on my logical thinking. They're part of the panic mode mentioned in the previous post. It's like a devil in disguise where you listen to them, preventing you from being in the present, challenging the anxiety. Because when you pull yourself away from the situation, the symptoms resign. So there are subliminal messages saying that stepping away from something you fear, is good. Yet it's the complete opposite that can help you.

Something which annoys me is the need to check and double-check that I've done certain things, like locking the door, turned off the plate, got everything with me when I'm heading out etc. Kind of like OCD but not as severe. I still do it, though, even when I know inside that it's just stupid of me to no trust my own actions. Yet I also know that I'll be walking around thinking about a minor thing if I don't make certain. It's a matter of my expectations of myself as well as a matter of control. I need to be perfect and don't mess up. I'll never let it go if I do. And maybe something like that happened when I was a kid. Maybe I forgot to lock the door and the shame and the feeling that I let everybody down was so strong, so I kept thinking about it untill it became second nature.