I've been there...

I know how it feels when you're shaking and don't know why
I know what it feels like when you want to scream and can't say a word
I know how it is to cry for no reason

The reality is only a blurr, I know
You're captured by your own mind
You're locked up, can't escape. Where's the key, where's the key?

Every second is an eternity.
You just want the day to end, yet the next day you don't want the next start
You're blind. Can't see the people around you. They can't help, they don't know how it is

You start to embrace the solitude. It's safe. But what if?
You feel a slight hope
Do you dare?

Progress, you want to get well
Relapse, knew it
What do you have left?

I've been there, feeling the hopelesness
I've felt the despair
The road is long, and tough. But you know what?

It get's better.

Communication

How much one is getting out of a session with a therapist depends on the chemistry between the two people as well as your own willingness to tell about yourself. Being personal wasn't my thing before I started going to therapy sessions. I basically had to learn how to be in a session. I saw a psychologist during my last year before I moved away from home, and this was completely different to what I've experienced where I live now. Back home I usually answered in short sentences, where as here the psychologist(s) gave me the opportunity to speak more freely rather than just answering questions with yes or no.

Telling a person your secrets, no matter how personal, is scary. I often sat there wanting to talk about a topic yet I felt the anxiety approaching very rapidly. The tendency of speaking quite vague was there in the beginning, especially when we talked about love, physical or emotional. You know that once you've started a sentence that there's no going back. The feeling of embarrasment over whatever the topic was disappeared soon enough.

The taboo and stigma rearding talking about mental health and personal things made a big gap between talking one on one with a therapist and "the real world". There was still only a few selected who I trusted well enough to talk about myself in that way. However, this has changed, at least a bit. I feel it's easier to speak about it to a bigger selection of people than before. The tendency of being precise on what I'm talking about is also changed. Nowadays I'm probably a bit too direct. So I'm saying that I'm having a bad day if someone asks. How else is a person supposed to know if you're answering something else? If we are supposed to overcome the taboo of talking about our mental health, we need to say what is actually happening. Answering that you're fine when asked was a thing I thought for a long time as a social norm, and therefore you weren't supposed to let anyone know. Conversation in a friendship is a two way-thing. My impression is that you're honoring eachother's respect when talking about personal problems. You have to trust the other person just as the other person has to trust you.

Silly phrases, only a letdown

Smalltalk has never been a thing for me. Those who say it is a form of art have understood a whole lot more than I have. I don't smalltalk; the only thing I do is awkward silence while trying to come up with something that doesn't sound stupid. However, I don't mind if another person starts as it is easier for some reason. Taking the initiative in a conversation is still a struggle, but I am getting there. Practice is all that is needed

Well, enough of that. Conversating in general is difficult with all the different rules that might be present according to which setting you're in. Also, there are the annoying phrases I don't like. Such as "we need to do this again sometime", or "we should do something together soon". More or less anything that isn't set to a date is an invitation to disappointment. Deep inside I know we won't see each other again for a long time. How do you think it makes me feel? I feel unwanted, as you say it only because it's what is tradion to do. And it's sad, especially when someone I've considered as a dear friend does that.

Part of my issues, or a big part of it, is the fear of ending up alone. Not just as in a boyfriend/girlfriend-relationship but also with friends. Particularly friends I've had for a long time, and where we drift apart. It's so easy for me to feel like everybody else are out there accomplishing things and I'm just here. Stuck. I'm stuck because I've used friends as support in tough times and now I've got no one to lean onto. 

How I relate to this is so unclear. I mean, I've lost many friends I had at the university. People I'd do anything for. They're just gone. My head has to start asking why, of course. Is it me? Am I a bad person? Did they only include me out of pity? Facing the truth is never easy. I probably spend more calories thinking about what I had than what I have now. People you think will be around forever might not be there tomorrow. My difficulty in getting new friens could as well be a taught strategy from getting hurt. If I don't let people get to know me, I can't get hurt. Doesn't make any sense, really. Having said that, the friends I've got now and surround myself with are the best ones I've had. I really hope they know how much I appreciate them. 

Never take friends for granted. Never. Without them, I am nothing.

Touching me, touching you

Well, third time trying to put something down. Not being able to put fairly good sentences on the screen is usually not a good sign. It frustrates me, just how the battle of anxiety frustrates me. Whatever I try to write, it's not good enough. The devil sits on my shoulder, disencouraging me.

He's there. I can feel him. The anxiety that's supposed to make me prepared in an emergency is wired all wrong. I can't control when the alarm can go off. Having the ability to live a life not influenced by the devil we have on our shoulder is what we all strive for. Mine is anxiety among other things, where as somebody else might struggle with something completely different and at the same time just as important. Well, I can control it to some extent but it's still there. I feel, or fear, that having a mental diagnosis makes me looked upon as "not normal" despite how many who actually are having their own problems.

What is normal anyway, and who's to decide that? I'll probably never see myself as normal given what I've been through. I don't see why that shouldn't be OK? Being abnormal is not negative nor positive. I can still be abnormal and keep my dignity. This fight isn't a defeat as long as I keep functioning by living by myself, having a job etc. And I'll still have my dignity without them. Not quite sure where I am going with this, to be honest. Dragging myself down and not giving any credit make me question why my worth as a person is the same as anybody else, like it has to be earned. Things that have positive effect on my self esteem are to be expected, being appreciated, included, and cared about. The depressing is so self-contradictory when it is keeping me from the things that might help me.

I know the title has nothing to do with what I've written. What I was trying to write about was the effect and importance of human contact has on the mental shape. That was for some reason a bit too complex to make it understandable for the reader. Anxiety or depression don't really make much sense either. Why would our brains try to break us down and keep us from functioning, is beyond me. For example, feeling the anxiety now when writing this when what I want is people to read this, makes no sense. It might be compared to stage fright when you're on a stage, only that the crowd is missing.

Need to break out?

Being introvert combined with depression and social anxiety isn't exactly the best combination. Identifying the behaviour can be tricky regarding which feeling should be put on the account of introvert, depression or the anxiety. 

I've always enjoyed my own company, and not having the need to be social to be happy. As a kid I played, read, practiced my football all by myself and still feeling content. I'm a few years older now and hopefully a bit wiser. Being alone is most noticable during the weekends when you notice everything your friends are doing, while you're at home.

My envy of people who are capable of socializing often is very much there. There is a voice inside me wanting to be like that. So why aren't I? The anxiety is using the introvert part of me to reason why I should just stay at home. No need to go outside where it' dangerous when you can stay at home, right? If I really wanted to do that, I wouldn't have had these thoughts in the first place, and spending time thinking about what everybody else are doing.

I don't even know why I don't like being in crowds either. Maybe it's the fear of not having control of the situation. I mean, as every person has his or her own free will, they can do or say things I can't plan ahead a response to. This relates to how I like to prepare what I can say in conversations to not feel stupid or boring. So therefore spending time at home does seem logical yet irrational. The place where I am most comfortable is in long run a bad choice, meanwhile places where I'm least comfortable are the ones that I might benefit the most from in the future. All this might seem very confusing and it is. Take it from me who experience it every day. I'm not even sure that psychologists got the complete hang of me after six years. Maybe it takes a lifetime for me to understand myself.

Darkness, imprisoning me

Anxiety is definitely a horror of mine. A reoccuring nightmare which pulls me under, blocking every input. Despite this, I can't fight it when it's flexing its muscles. That only makes matter worse. Surrendering yourself and let the wave of anxiety might sound illogical. But it works, honest.

I've been there countless of times. It's a dark path in the woods. The path is never the same yet you swear you walked it just the other day. The anxiety shuts a gate, forcing you to take the inhospitable woods. Any person might be a bit jumpy, even by the slightest noice. It's quite common that anxiety or a panick attack isn't constant. Small peaks make it very unpleasant. You can read this post about grading your level of anxiety. It's important to keep going. A quote often claimed to be said by Churchill is "if you're going through Hell, keep on going". 

A panick attack is exhausting. You'll be as exhausted physically as well as mentally. It is completely understandable that nobody wants to go through the woods again knowing that it takes its toll. The fear of fear is always there, enhancing and probably provoking your anxiety to step up. The bravest person is the one who welcomes the anxiety. Not to fight it, nor to give up. But knowing that each time is a victory where you grow stronger, meanwhile the anxiety loses grip.

A success of mental and practical value

Yesterday, 3 pm. Taking the deep breath initiates it all. The mission has begun. 

Do I feel ready? No. Would I avoid it if I could? Most likely. Am I able? We'll see.

 The bus isn't just a means of transportation. It also brings me one step closer towards a possible failure, rather than success. Another deep breath before opening the store's door. You feel like a deer in the headlights, so out of the comfortzone.Go inside, ask for help. How difficult can that be? I guess the question is also the answer, in a way. Right, got the stuff. Confidence is growing. This is a walk in the park.

Doing something that's been put off for so long time is a bit weird because it raises so many underlying questions:

Have I feared failure? Have I felt shame because I kept postponing it? Did I not want to ask for how it should be done and therefore feeling inferior? Yes.

What I basically did was changing the tuners on my old guitars, to make it function properly again. Coincidentally it is the same one I've wanted to replace. I'm not so sure anymore if I want to. First and foremost because of the sentimental value. I've had it for 14 years! Plus it was quite a hazzle, but it was expected. So doing it and not be able to enjoy it bugs me a bit. The most important reason is that currently as it is now an working, it's a symbol of success. A success after a mental fight as well as a practical fight. Using tools isn't my strongest feature. At least I know where my mental toolbox is.

When something you love turns into a thing of dislike

In the beginning of this week I read an article about a young footballer who decided to retire eventhough he's only 21 years old. A goalkeeper, like he was, can easily play 16-17 years on the highest level. So what happened? He wrote a long post explaining why. The main reasons were performance anxiety and depression. The sport he once loved had turned into a nightmare because of how serious it all had become as a professional player. 

I can very much relate to how this person feels about the situation. Football was something I treasured very much, spending hours practicing by myself in my spare time, showing up an hour early before practice. I loved it, because I had talent and it was an arena where fun had the highest priority. That changed when I got around 14-15. Too much arguing inside the player group, only focus on results, getting yelled at for not performing as expected. This might be were my performance anxiety showed itself for the first time. A fear of doing something wrong makes you not being able to do anything at all.

What's weird is that I still remember my last training session with the team. I remember knowing it would be my last one because I had made up my mind in advance. In someway that made me relax and probably perform better. That chapter of my life came to a close. Realizing that playing wasn't fun anymore was easy yet hard to admit. Blaming it on focusing on schoolwork made it seem as a more rational choice of priority. 

How one relates to losing what's a part of your identity almost, is up to each and everyone. Suddenly there was so much time to fill when there was no training session or matches to play. Football was also my social arena, yet I wasn't able to find a substitute ending up at home when I wasn't at school. 

At the end of the day I like to think that I somehow grew on deciding to quit when I did. It's one of the few times I've been "selfish" and done what I've felt is right. Even so, the memories of the good times are still there. Eventhough something comes to an end doesn't mean it's been a waste of time.

Taking the first step

I remember some years ago a campaign was running on TV. Two men were sitting side by side, with the one had a t-shirt with "I'm struggling" printed on it while the other one had "I know you are" printed on his t-shirt. That is a classic stalemate and I've encountered it many times. Admitting to yourself that you're dealing with something is difficult enough, telling someone else can therefore be a daunting task. Words can't be retracted and the relation to the other person might not be the same again as you don't know how he or she will react.

Being the friend can't be that easy either; should you say something or shouldn't you? Taking that step gives you a position where you can help, and start a conversation about what the problem is. People tend to avoid bringing up this topic despite that they can do something for another one, in fear of bothering in one way or the other. I'm not sure if that's a typical Norwegian thing. Mental health is rarely talked about even among friends.

Being the person who struggles and finding it difficult being open about it, I have my own thoughts about this. Be the one taking the first step, and start the conversation. You're taking a huge weight off of the shoulders. It's also a kind of relief knowing that someone knows even if you haven't told them. Normally one would try to keep a mask to hide how you really feel. That mask can now be thrown in the garbage bin.

Don't worry about the friend might be upsed if you're asking or telling him that you know. My bet is that it is mostly the surprise of someone knowing that sets off a reaction, not that they're mad. Even so, sometimes you need to dare asking if you already know how the response might be. Mental health should never be underestimated. My own experiences also tell me that being direct gives direct answers. Using metaphores or sayings gives an opportunity to not give full answers, while not directly lying. You'd answer just enough so you think your friend will stop bothering you. So in short, friendship is kind of like marriage, in a way. There won't be just happy days. A good friendship will stand the test of times, though.

Improvised yesterday

Yesterday took an odd and unexpected turn, to say the least. I had to stop by work for something, of course after postponing it at least once, maybe twice. So yeah, I took the bus, feeling a bit anxious. That feeling always sneak up on me if there's a place I haven't been at for a few days even with it's categorized as safe in my head. A colleague of mine wasn't feeling very well and asked if I could take the second half of the shift.

I said I might as well since I was already there. This sudden turn of events was a pleasant surprise. As previously mentioned, it is often easier to mobilize your inner strength when somebody depends on you or asks for a favour. You don't just change into your uniform but also change the mindset. How we are able to do that still fascinates me. I went from wanting to paint something so I could watch the paint dry to working at the till, and I didn't mind either.
Eventhough you don't talk much to the other people at work you still have the sense of working together with someone. Being appreciated and knowing that my presense contributes to something is important to me.

When you get home around nine pm all you want to do is to relax, right? I wouldn't have done anything else if I hadn't been at work, though still it is more satisfying after coming home. It's not a secret that I'm not very social or spend time around people, which I know is my own wrongdoing. Nonetheless, speaking to friends online happens daily. Online social activity can't replace the face to face-way, I know that, but still shouldn't be disregarded as useless, especially as I met one of my closest friends online.

Looking for problems and finding them

It's nice to be prepare yourself before doing anything, right? Preparing means to be one step ahead and have a practical solution to what might go wrong. Social anxiety isn't like that. It is always looking for anything that might trigger a panick attack. But does it help you find a solution or rationalize it? Nope, you're on your own there. 

It is the same song and dance everytime I need to go outside, like grocery shopping where I don't have an appointment of some sort. I don't need to rush as the store is open untill 11 pm. That's what my anxiety is telling me, trying to rationalize me avoiding the stress of going outside. A mental battle like this can go on for an hour or two. But why?

What is the worst outcome that could happen, here or in any other case? You might hurt yourself? Meeting people you don't want to meet? Forgot money? For most, I dare to say all eventual outcomes there is at least one way to fix it, so relax. You can't be prepared for any possible outcome, anyway. Deduct the scenarios that are unlikely to happen and you're left with those you have the tools to fix. It is also what happens inside of you. Instantaneously the anxiety sets in, usually using similar happenings in the past as the truth. Maybe you were told as a kid that proper people should know how to behave and act, and you suddenly say to yourself that you're worthless etc. Which of course isn't true. So for me, at least, the social anxiety is just as much a fear of ending up in a sitation that initiates the anxiety, as it is to go outside. 


"Can you fix the problem? If yes, fix it and don't worry. If not, forget about it and don't worry."

Each post is scary

Writing texts has never been a black or white thing for me, there are definitely more shades to it than that. I like to write, believe it or not. What's stopping me is probably the lack of confidence and that the result is rarely how I see it in advance.  The responses to my texts during the semesters at the university were always positive except for the exams. Putting me on the spot with a short "deadline" probably doesn't give the best result but still an honest opinion. I think that writing what is in your mind also gives an insight in how ones mind works. If I am to write and rewrite, the result might end up as a well written text, with a bigger distance between me and the topic.

So even these small texts are quite difficult to write, more than one would expect them to be. There is also the fear of not reaching out. Eventhough I am happy for every reader no matter how many or few visit this page, the feeling of rejection becomes apparent. Problem is that I don't know if my writing is bad, topic is not interesting enough, people might not know about it in the first place. I also feel that I might be a bad at writing because it is so difficult to come up with something to write. Yet at the same time I picture everybody else with a clear vision of what to write and how. I can only fully understand how exhausting my posts are to write (they truly are, I feel empty inside when posting), and not see the work which lies behind other texts.

A feeling of envy pops up when I see someone gets attention for writing about the same topic. Their success usually turns into self-loathing, blaming myself for not knowing how to make my voice heard. I don't know if any post would be of any help to begin with. Either way, that's not up to me to decide. That's up to the potential reader. My own experiences tell me that a revelation can come from the smallest of things. What I do know, though, is that my struggles should not be in vain. The feeling of walking down the road alone is always lurking in the back of the head regardless of what people around you do. Reading articles might help more than one would think. You just need to let them have a try, either here or at someone else's page. After all, what's the worst that could happen?