Sun is shining

... but it's raining in my heart. Sorry, felt for a cheesy song reference there as it fits rather perfectly if I may say so myself. The weather and the state of our minds are linked and have more significance for how you, or at least I, feel. It's not uncommon to be more cheery and happy when it's sunny and warm, and perhaps a bit down when it's raining. I'm sure most of us feel that way. I feel the weather is enhancing the contrast of how I feel and how I think about myself and is capable of doing. 

The last few days have been quite good with temperatures around 20 C since Friday. During days like these I notice what other people are doing: they go for a walk, getting a tan at the park, barbecuing and having fun outside. The point isn't exactly what they're doing but rather that they're doing something together where as I'm mostly inside. Outside for me is a limited amount of time where I happen to be when transporting myself from point a to point b, not out of amusement. As I've must've mentioned before, I miss the ability to contact other without having the fear of rejection. And I also would like to not fall into the train of thoughts where I feel useless or don't have any value. In terms from gaming, I'm more of an NPC, non playable character around everybody else. Everybody has his or her own character and persona, where they might have it easier to create a social event simply because people around them tend to listen and agree with them. I'm not one of them. And that's linked with the fear of rejection, or a fear of not being noticed.

You'd probably say that it's a problem created out of nothing. How true that might be, it's still a real problem for many, including me. Where as some are quite spontanious and just call someone, I might spend days worrying about the outcome. I'm assuming all of this is inside my head. The thing is, though, that I need to be convinced otherwise. How do you take the big step when the previous ones ended in an utter failure? Do you  jump into the deep end before learrning how to swim?

Time, what is time?

I'm not trying to go completely philosophical but it sometimes is unavoidable. Time has fascinated me a long time. Ask a physicist and he/she will give a definite answer, which I won't disagree with. But I feel it's a bit more complicated than that. Over the ten years or so, the relativity of time is so connected to how you're feeling and what you're doing. 

Time can move so slowly on bad days. Some days are spent watching to clock, waiting for when it's time to sleep. Meanwhile you don't do anything; the world outside is doing its daily thing. The result is that you feel even more alone. Knowing how long a tv-show lasts is the only way of noticing that time actually passes. Food? No need for that, it can always be taken care of later. That is untill its too late for making anything. I don't know why its too late, though. For some reason making food in the evening is difficult. Maybe its from when I lived at a dorm and didn't want to bother anyone.

Then you've got the speed of time when you're in the waiting room before your session. It feels like you're waiting forever and you can't wait to get it started despite that you'll be talking about difficult subjects. The hour during session on the other hand, flies in an amazing speed. 45 minutes feel like maybe five, so I'm sure to say that I've had good use of them. Many things have been discussed, and maybe I felt the need to talk as I really couldn't discuss different things.

I think many struggling with anxiety focuses on time during bad times. If you have to do something at a certain time of the day, you look at the clock and realize that you can't call it off. Again with me and my travelling. I know when I need to go to the buss to get to the airport in time. I've checked the bus routes more than twice. My anxiety doesn't get any less untill I actually start my journey and being productive. The waiting unleashes a cascade of anxiety attacks. And now, you want the time to pass as fast as possible eventhough it feels as if it does a complete standstill.

I don't know where I want to go with this. You might say it's just to pass some time. Being depressed and spending a lot of time at home alone is similar to cabin fever. Enjoying a hobby is difficult, for example. Or you can't do anything else one day if you have an errand that takes less than ten minutes. That day is full, not up for discussion. It's a bit weird that I usually spend the rest of the day doing nothing, most likely watching tv or reading online yet I could've done plenty of things and still have time to watch tv.

Taking or losing control

I still believe that we can choose how we want our own lifes to be. Somehow, I think it applies to everybody else than me. There isn't any good reason to why my life has taken the turns it has. Losing control is much easier than gaining control, as there is a difference between a passive approach and a more offensive approach. The fear of doing anything in case it might backfire fuels the passiveness.

Let's be clear about one thing. Wether my life takes turns for the better or for the worse, I don't blame anyone. The tendency to let other people take control relieves me of the responsibility of taking a stand. My biggest improvement was during the time I was at work five days a week. I gained confidence, self-respect and a belief in myself I haven't had in a long time. Of course this made a big change in me, both in the mood and mental health.

The status now is a bit different. Because I don't work as much now I don't get the constant refill of confidence through repetiting tasks, feeling of being wanted, that I have something to give. Sitting at home with nothing to do allows me focus very much on myself. Thoughts are selfdestructive and making it harder to actually doing something when I get the chance. 

Past or present, the ability to recieve credit has never been good. I have the tendency to think it's not a big deal. Translate this to "I'm no big deal". The thoughts of being a burden or not able to contribute as good as anyone else, are reoccuring.

Exactly why am I writing this now? First and foremost because that's how I feel just now. But also to never underestimate the importance of having something to go to on a regular basis. I wish that it was easier to get a job, if you're unemployed. The society don't benefit from having a person on paid leave, nor does the person. I know very well that it differs from person to person. As a standard though, the society can be even better at adapting the work load to how much you're able to do. Even the tiniest work is better than nothing. 

Lonelyness, whose responsibility?

Social media is supposed to bring us closer to eachother, making it easier to stay in touch. The irony, which has been pointed out several times, is that it does the opposite. I don't feel less lonely because I use them, quite the contrary. You update the page several times during the day to see if you've missed something, but in reality it just shows you that you're standing on the sideline.

Today's May 17th, a very special day here where you spend time among friends. Spending five hours by myself among thousands of other people made me think. I've got 289 friends on Facebook, non-Norwegians included. There are plenty of people that I regard as very good friends. Yet still, I feel lonely. The diagnosis I'm given is

Anxious [avoidant] personality disorder: Personality disorder characterized by feelings of tension and apprehension, insecurity and inferiority. There is a continuous yearning to be liked and accepted, a hypersensitivity to rejection and criticism with restricted personal attachments, and a tendency to avoid certain activities by habitual exaggeration of the potential dangers or risks in everyday situations.

People who know me will probably say that's me, totally spot-on. So my brain is somehow at fault for my own lonelyness. My fear of rejection stops me from taking an initiative to a social event. When I do, I rarely ask specific people for a specific thing. The best effort I'm able to do now is to voice a yearning which never gets settled.

Who is to blame? Am I to blame for my own lonelyness? I don't want to be lonely, missing out on what's going on in the world while I'm inside. It saddens me to see photos of what my friends are doing. I'm afraid to be seen as needy or lonely by constantly asking. That's weird, right? I don't want to be looked upon as lonely and that's keeping me from from socializing.  Nor am I saying my friends are responsible for me being lonely. It's not their job to pity or feel it's a necessity. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. It'll always come down to the eye of the beholder and his or her background. But we can all do something to prevent people, like me, from being lonely. Lonely people aren't lonely by choice but rather as a consequence from a social disability, not knowing how to be with people. Little things count just as much as any big thing. Just a hello or acknowledgement of your existence to show you're not forgotten brightens up any day.

           

Anxiety knocking on the door

I know you, I've seen you before.
You're the one bossing me around. 
messing me up
"Look at me, look at me" you say
Taunting my rationality

Please, go. Go away
you and I are not friends
my life feels broken
because of you

Anxiety, I didn't ask for you
I sweat, shiver and shake
what's more for you to take?

Wandering in the darkness
you block the light

Go away

Let me live
let me laugh

Coping, as best as I can
we fight and I?
I am against the ropes

Exchanging blows
winning rounds
and I'll assure you
this life, it's mine

Not going too well

Last few days haven't been all too good. And when thinking about it, I believe I know the reason for it. Being 100% sure is never easy. Next week involves a trip to Oslo with the rest of my coworkers. An event like that has a staggering effect, setting off what you might call an anxiety related to expectations. It's not that I think something bad might happen. Just the fact that travelling with somebody I haven't travelled with before is enough. Same thing happened last time before I went to London, therefore it's not completely unexpected.

Anxiety is an abstract way of describing a condition unless you explain further. The inability to sit still for a longer period of time is reoccurring with the feeling of someone's touching the skin, but I guess that's the muscles working. My appetite is also reduced, not wanting to eat or feeling an inability to eat. Many times in my childhood and upbringing, I've had anxiety or panick attacks that made my muscles in the throat, that you use to swallow, so tight that it feels like you're about to choke on every piece of food. No wonder I don't want to eat much if that's how it feels like.

So that's the physical aspect. What does it do with my thoughts and behaviour? For some reason I imagine that it'll go away if I, in this instance, stay at home. There won't be any explosion if you remove the trigger, sort of. This problem is maybe what I'm most ashamed of. Not in a way that I think it's my own fault, but I just feel bad for not being able to do things without having this thing, casting a shadow over me. I avoid people, definitely, withdraw to my own solitude. And that's wrong way of dealing with it. I know that, and I've heard a thousand times. It's a reflex, a bad one, but still a reflex. How do you even get back on track when you're not able to voice your despair?

Leader or follower? Continue or stop?

Who am I and what do I try to achieve with this? Two very essential questions yet not that easy to answer. Am I stepping forward, to the frontline in the fight for enlightment around mental health? I'm not a leader by default. My personality and tendency to hide aren't compatible as a leader where you're supposed to stand out.

But I do this thing to get attention, don't I? You might say that I'm trying to make a difference at the same time as I try to not stand out. I'm fine as long as I know for myself that my work has contributed to something. To go boldly out and say that this would be a significant change to how we treat each other and ourselves, not only would that be completely out of character but also more of a leader's mindset. A leader without followers is not a good leader, and that's precisely how I think about myself. Maybe it's just a lack of practice that's holding me back. 

A part of me knows what's keeping me back: myself. Failing or succeeding, both scenarios frighten me. Therefore it is not so much about the outcome but that I don't know what the outcome will be. Not knowing and not having control are triggers to my anxiety yet they should be keeping me curious and wanting to know more. One man said one time that you should "dare to fail". Dare to fail, and learn from that. Take a chance and see where you might end up. I equate failing to personal failure. Leaders don't do that. You can be a good leader and still fail at projects. It's how you deal with the failure that determines how you're as a leader.

Getting from point A to point B

Doing errands isn't that difficult, right? That might be true if you don't have a form of social anxiety that imprisons you in your own home. Imagining yourself where you're supposed to go might even be too difficult. The small steps, like getting on your feet, are enough to stop you. I've received a strategy which might seem a bit corny at first but it works. My oldest siste taught me this one, so credit is all hers.

What it all comes down to is to not take a bigger bite than you can chew. Dissecting a task that seems overwhelming at first, will be easier to overcome if you take it step by step. For example, when you get up from wherever you sit you might as well go to the closet and get dressed. It's not dangerous plus there is always a chance to stop. But you won't, I know. I had to laugh when I learned this. So, you're dressed. In my case, I'd have to go to the bus. Why not, I'm ready to go after all? You might wait a few minutes at the bus stop for the bus to arrive. I'm guessing you'll step onboard when it shows. If this seems too difficult, there is always the chance of dividing up the segments into smaller pieces. My own experiences are that you'll have a bigger chance of succeding, rather than just saying it's impossible and not even try. Celebrate every effort. We're all different and some need a bit more time. Even if you feel that you need to turn back home again, don't be hard on yourself filing it as a failure. Mark it as a victory because you tried.

How are you today?

My therapist always asked me this at the start of every session, and in a way that it sounded genuine. I find it easier to open up when people actually care. Anyway, I usually had a standard answer: Indifferent. That's how I experience depression, with no real highs and no lows. Kind of like an emotional zombie, I guess. Breaking out of this state of mind is never easy with little to no external input. 

I remember that my sessions were rarely about how I felt right there and then but rather topic based. For all I know I might've written this before, so be gentle. Anyway, a social anxiety has made solutions on how not to get that anxiety. They're irrational, but still there. The prime example is that I always show up for appointments way too early with the reason that I don't like to be late. As much as I don't like to be late, it's more about keeping control. Knowing when I need to get dressed, which bus to take, take the bus and still have time in case something keeps me in control of my anxiety. Or is it vice versa? The anxiety, or rather the fear of feeling anxious, is what controls me. A situation like this has never been payed much attention to before up untill a different person, with the knowledge about this, started questioning all this. I don't have any formal knowledge but it sounds reasonable when explained. A rule of thumb that I learned was that if I couldn't explain properly why I did this and that, then I should just stop it. Didn't make sense. Anyway, It's been so long since I saw a therapist and therefore not easy remembering things. Group sessions are closer in time, making it easier to write a bit more about. I know I've mentioned it before but that might've been the first post or something. Plus I might remembe something else now that I've been doing this for a while. 

I am ____ enough?

I am not good enough. A line making a really big difference of what you're saying to yourself. Not just there and then, but for the future. Discrediting myself have I done all my life. Whatever I've done it's never enough to give a pat on the back. My therapist asked me why. I couldn't answer that properly. When did I start doing this? Didn't have an answer for that one either.

I am not good enough
I am not good enough
I am not good enough
I am not good enough
I am not good enough

Saying that to myself over the years became an automatic reflex. I had lost before I even tried, resulting in not daring to try anything new. I've stayed within my comfortzone, both physical and mental. I was asked by my therapist how big my feature would have to be to let me be proud of myself. Furthermore, she encouraged me to name of things I've done in the daily life that I could be proud of. She had to give examples but I brushed everything off as absurd to be proud of. Like the days where I've put all of my focus to just getting out, in retrospect I won't say that that is something to be proud of. Everybody does it, right? 

What it all comes down to is rewiring the brain. A cognitive "error" if you like can be fixed. Not as easy as it was to learn it, though. I've mentioned this before. One needs to be in the moment and observe when doing something worth a mention. It's easier to believe what you're saying when you're in the moment and maybe feeling the sense of adrenalin rush, than thinking back to it. Then it's just a memory, easy to disbelief.

So, will you, together with me, make that line and rewrite the sentence?

I am not good enough.