Goals and all that jazz

I've previously touched the subject of having goals in your life, something to look forward to. I happened to fullfill my goal on Saturday evening when I got to see the band Ghost and it shouldn't be necessary to say that I had a jolly good time. Watching a live performance together with people you don't know gives a feeling of a community and togetherness. One should think that you'd feel sad when the happening is over. Planning ahead and setting new goals further ahead prevents that and makes it easier, for me at least, to appreciate each goal or event as they happen.

There shouldn't be the need of a concert or other big things to cheer you up. Small things matter just as much in the daily life. It's just that when you're depressed you fail to see the small things. Wether it is a nice day, new sheets on the bed or singing birds doesn't matter. Same thing applies to socializing with other people. Seeing other people while beeing outside tells me that you are alive and that's good, right? Being smiled at or small talk with strangers can also brighten up the day. You just need to let it have a try.

Also, people who don't know what depression is like might not see how small things matter. The deeper the depression is or the more one isolates oneself, the smaller the action needs to be in order to make a change. Just like a smile, beeing greeted and invited to social gatherings. I can tell you first hand how sad it is when you find out friends have been doing something and they forgot to invite you due to misunderstandings. People often think that they should let you be alone when you're distansing yourself from the group. Actually, it's completely the opposite. Don't be afraid to do or say something wrong to a friend that struggles. However little you think you're doing, it's endlessly more than nothing.

Friday and routines

Friday is a day most people look forward to, eventhough if they're working on either Saturday or Sunday. One steps away from the weekday routines and eats later than usual while sitting in the living room, watching TV untill late, sometimes very late. You know you'll be tired in the morning, but it doesn't matter because it's Friday!

Even before I got diagnosed with a mental illness I didn't like vacations too much. Don't get me wrong, I loved not being at school and all that. The ambivalence was ever so present because school was also the arena of my social life. So no school basically meant little social life and I spent most of the at home doing nothing. Perfect example of cabin fever, really.

I've always been told that daily routines are the fuel to keep the body and mind going. Lack of sleep makes you feel down, physically and mentally, and more receptive to anxiety. My impression is that it doesn't matter if you're up late, as long as you don't wake up late. You'll catch up the next night if you don't get enough sleep.

Back in 2008 when I only had one class, the danger of cabin fever was looming. I had this route I walked everyday, basically it was a big circle. I remember what I was thinking after each walk. Since I felt it as a burden, it was mostly "thank goodness that's over with". But I went through with it; I knew deep inside that I had to. Same thing a couple of years ago when I didn't have a job, lived a bit remote compared to my friends, and didn't know what to do. Again I found a new route to walk. This time I listened to a certain cd everytime. Now I knew how fast I was going by how far I had walked and which song I listened to. I got motivated to go as ast as possible.

So where's the point in this post? Keep doing your daily routines, even if you have a day off from work. Routines take away your option to skip them. Let's face it, routines and chores are boring and easy to avoid, and even easier when you're the only one it affects. Maybe gathering your fanclub and do it together might help?

I doubt I'll post anything tomorrow or Sunday. If that's the case I wish you a happy weekend!

Notice me, senpai!

I started going to group sessions in September 2011 and stopped last summer. You can already tell that I've been to a few of them as there's one every week. Throughout my years in the group I think I was the most conscientious about meeting. Many men joined later than me and quit earlier than me. How long you want to participate is all up to you, but as I said in the previous post, you need to participate for a while to have any effect of the meetings. 

Something I noticed were a few common characteristics about us. The group is for "young men" and no restrictions as to which diagnoses people have. Many of us who were there during my time had problems with how to socialize and act in public. I don't know how the connection with starts; do you get social anxiety because you're just extremely shy or do you become shy because of the social anxiety?

I've always had problems with speaking up, for several reasons: I've felt I don't deserve it, don't want to make a fuzz, think it's common politeness, feeling stupid and so on. Being at a party, for example, when being depressed is a lot more exhausting than what it sounds like. The reason for that is that you need to use energy to keep up with the conversations and everything else around you. What I tend to do is zoning out to my own world. You feel, or I do at least, lonely despite there's a lot of people around you. 

So what are the options? The last thing I want is people to reluctantly include me out of pity. That doesn't make me feel any better at all. Or maybe I should rephrase that. I don't mind as long as it's not obviously done out of pity. Listening to a conversation doesn't mind me at all. It's just the way I am. And a final thing, listen when a friend with social anxiety talks. You don't know how much effort it really takes. If you interrupt, it's more likely that the person will become less social. So I'm just ending this post with a short summary: Notice me, senpai!

Stick to the plan

Recovering from a mental illness isn't much different than recovering from any physical problems; both of them take time and therefore you need to be patient (pun somewhat intended, I guess). That's why I went to a therapist for so long. Whatever that is inside you has probably been there for quite a while and Rome wasn't built in a day, as the saying goes. You decide together with the therapist how many sessions you'll participate in. Also, the first session of mine went mostly to make a plan that included why I was there, which type of treatment I felt most comfortabe with, what my goals were, and so on. One should be as specific as possible. This way you can look back at a set date and review progress. Maybe you need to try something different, who knows? I had once a week for most of the time, with the possibility to increase the frequency if there was something special. The clue is, though, to be there regularly. 

Most of the work is done between the sessions as you put to practice what you've talked about. I even had homework from time to time; they could vary from taking notes on what I was thinking or feeling when having an anxiety attack, to spending time outside among people. Things like these may feel odd or silly yet I believe there is a reason for it. How useful each session is depends on how much you are willing to push yourself out of your comfortzone.

Another thing is to go through with any medicines you're taking. I've been taking medicine for some years now to correct a chemical imbalance, and I can really tell if I forget it one day. It happens, I'm not going to lie, but I feel that I'm rather good at not forgetting my daily dose, so to speak. How I notice that I've forgot it is that I get really dizzy, sick, anxiety's through the roof and generally exhausted. So there's a motivation in itself to not forget.

Comparing myself

Despite how ridiculous it is, we tend to compare our own accomplishments and attributes to people around us. Sometimes it is to boost our confidence but I feel the comparing usually only drags us further down in whatever our problems are. Taking it a step further, you might compare your problems to another person's, to confirm your that own feelings and thoughts are logical.

My two cents are this: You can't compare a mental illness to another one and say one is worse than the other. Every illness and struggle is as real as it can get for whom it concerns. Therefore you should never feel guilty about what you're dealing with. Some might say "oh, this person must be going through a lot because he/she has this illness, and this means I'm a looser since I can't even function normally when having the problems I've got". Believe me, I've done it. I can't think of a better example of a self-fullfilling prophecy than this. You're making yourself feel worse because you feel that you shouldn't feel bad in the first place? Please stop that!

Wether it is social anxiety, OCD, depression or something else, don't trivialize what you read or hear about people. The human brain is so intricate and we don't know the backstory to a person. Just as there are some things you don't want to say directly to anyone, there is no objective truth to how one experiences a mental illness.

Poison of the mind

There is no doubt to me that being depressed is as if your mind has been poisoned. Finding the antidote is the eternal struggle. Luckily enough there is more than one way to get well again. Now, the poison affects your thoughts in a way that you don't manage to value anything as positive. This time of the year offers nice weather, lot of sun and mild temperature. How anyone depressed see it is a bit different. I've mentioned earlier that  you often don't pay attention to the surroundings, like being in a bubble. It may come as a suprise to some that you notice people around you, though. You see them sitting on benches, outside cafés and are having a jolly good time. Then you might hear about friends going skiing for many hours. 

What is easy to do, or for me at least, is to ask myself why can't I seem to enjoy those subtle changes the way other people can, there must be something wrong etc. The initial reaction is to stay away from any situations that might be provocative, you isolate yourself. I've done that many times and didn't see why it's not a smart move. The little devil on my shoulder feeds the depression saying you're better off alone because nobody cares about you anyway. However how small a social gathering might be, it can mean the world to a person with depression or anxiety. I have fond memories of moments often looked upon as insignificant by other, like going to the movies. Being around someone is more important thant what you actually do.

Yes, I have thought all of this at some point. Do I feel bad about it? Not really. There is no shame in having a mental illness. Nor is it shamefull to talk about it. This poison grows stronger when dealing it by yourself. Sometimes, you don't have a hand reaching out for you, you must reach out yourself. Dare to speak up and take the first step away closer to a happy you.

A small apology

I try as hard as I can to have this page as clean and readable as possible. The font size is very difficult to manage because the default size is a bit small in my eyes. But the size above, which I tend to use, is a bit too big. Finding the perfect font size seems improbable, I'm afraid. Having an unnecessary big font size seems a bit silly and if you only increase it to make the post longer. 

Forced to relax

A Saturday evening is not much different than any other evenings in the week. I spend most of the time on a website called twitch, where people stream themselves playing videogames. We watch in real time while they play plus there is a chat so it is quite interactive. Just now I'm watching someone playing a train simulator, and this made me reflect on my experiences travelling by train. Society nowadays is a constant stream of impressions; from the TV, the Internet, mobile phones, tablets etc. Taking a time-out from this marathon is much needed for many of us.

Let me just first say that I love taking the train, I absolutely love it. The area where I was born and grew up doesn't have a train connection, making the train a bit exotic even to this day. It's not just the travel itself, but the idea of the train: The technology that allows us to move en masse, and the history of technology are so fascinating. This doesn't make me a trainspotter by any means, but my English friend isn't far from it.

Now, I've deliberately chosen to go by train to alle the concerts I've been to. Going from Trondheim to Oslo takes about eight hours. Some might say that that's too long, but not me. The train forces me to deconnect from everything. I always try to read during the journey but I always end up watching the scenery passing me by; looking at the nature, maybe some animals are visible, can you see any cars, perhaps? Still, it is a bit strange to spend eight hours next to a person without speaking to each other. Maybe it's different in other countries, I don't know. 

A few years ago I went home for summer with the coastal express ship that runs up and down along the coast. This trip takes about a day and a half home and a bit longer southbound as you depart later in the day when going south. The Internett access is minimal here, but perfect for relaxing. Even with so much time spent on photographing, I still managed to read through quite a big book. Travelling by myself doesn't bother me either. There are so many new impressions and things to see that there is not much time to sit and be sad. 

What I wonder, though, is would these two examples be transferable to going on a longer trip abroad, for example? There are plenty of friends I'd like to visit. My current financial status doesn't allow it in the near future anyway.Thinking about it gets my anxiety going for some reason. It's difficult to not be anxious when there isn't any specfic details, though. I'm sure I'd be able to travel by myself, knowing where to go and the rest of the practical stuff. Well, at least I hope.

Today's happening

You sort of get that Easter feeling when stepping outside these days. The sun shines, warming your face. As I've started to do lately, I went outside to go shopping right after getting dressed. It's not that chaotic at the supermarket around noon, making it a bit more pleasant. It doesn't take more than ten to fifteen minutes before I'm on my way home again. Unpacking the groceries revealed something I don't like at all.

Realizing that you've forgot to buy something for your dinner is such a drag. All of the old thought patterns come back saying I'm hopeless, it's embarrasing, why didn't I check that before heading home etc. It's a very common mistake, believe me as I experience it daily at my own job. None the less, I feel as if I let myself down somehow, or that I'm unable to do what I demand of myself. So I had to put on my jacket again and do the "walk of shame". This could've prevented me in the past from going back and buy what I needed. The sensation of everybody looking at me, enhancing the perception of failure kept me away from the store. Most often there was a back-up.

Heading back to the store, I was mostly frustrated over myself. There wasn't a line at the till, so I got back home again rather fast. Winding myself down after a situation like this takes a while. But in the end, nothing of this really mattered. Solving a problem makes the rest of the day easier. Otherwise I'd be sitting and postponing the trip and not feeling very well. I wonder why it is so difficult to tell yourself that when you're right in it. All the rational thoughts and logic escape rather quickly. One thing to do if you're having a dilemma of a practical matter is to think what you would've said if you were a friend and you had to give advice to your friend. Why wouldn't that be an advice you could follow yourself?

Being in the moment

Ever since I started going to therapy I've been adviced to be more in the moment. There are probably many different ways to do this but my focus was to use my sences more. People are so easily destracted by their phones, listening to music, tablets and what not else and there are could be just as many reasons to do it as ways to be destracted.

 Listening to music isn't just about the music; I'd say you isolate yourself or protecting yourself from external impressions. I was walking in my own world with my own soundtrack. Hiking, however, is impossible while listening to music. I feel like I need to get the whole picture of the surroundings. For some reason photographing can't be done with music on either. Again a guess, but listening is important for us humans as we don't have the capabilities to smell danger as animals do. Nature has some many different sounds in store for us. Adding smells to this, you start thinking what you're really experiencing and using words to describe it.

Observing other people have I also found to be relaxing. I enjoy to sit on a bench and observe all the people walking past, and imagening what their lifes are like and how many coincidences that are needed for me to see them right there and then. It's never been about the need to know in order to control my anxiety for not knowing. These types of "games" have occupied me when being bored as a kid. Naturally, even as a kid I found it embarrasing to play and act like a kid when in public. One of my therapists suggested that maybe as a kid I was afraid I'd get yelled at or bother people. Back to the bench again, during my bad periods I've been sitting there to expose myself. Social anxiety makes you want to go home, away from people. Setting a time for how long and be aware about my surroundings was an easy way to train. Just five minutes, then ten and maybe ten more and so on. The urge to return home needs to be lowered and be open to impressions.

English or?

When starting this little thingy, I didn't see any other option than writing in English. For some reason I was hoping that a bit more people would read it, and writing in Norwegian would limit my number of readers quite a bit. Some posts might be of good use to an English reading person while a different might be interesting to a Norwegian. The level of English proficiency is quite high among the Norwegians: I therefore don't see making them read English as an issue. English is a language I feel I've made myself understood for many years, and I like it. I'd probably choose it for my field of studies if I had to choose all over again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking it lightly and that's one of the reasons to do it. I write in English not because it is easy but because it is hard (recognize that paraphrasing?).

Writing this in English and posting it online are two closely connected actions. Over the years I've befriended a lot of people from all over the world, right in my livingroom. In fact, one of my dearest friends is English. Making it unreadable for her would be rude. I want to make an effort in showing that I somewhat master her language and able to communicate. You get to know people mostly because of similar interests: I've met people in fanclubs, on discussion boards, gaming related sites etc. Having this common interest makes it easy to get to know one as there is already some bricks to use for the foundation. When I meet any new people face to face, things turn very awkward and very fast. Meeting people online makes it unecessary to leave the house, for good and for bad. It's a bit like cheating on your homework because the whole point of meeting people face to face is the training in how to socialize and not giving in to the anxiety.

Now, I've been thinking if there's any point in writing each post in Norwegian. The reason is that some things are very difficult to explain, even in my own language. You can imagine how it is in a foreign language. I don't want the reader to miss the point of what I'm writing. It'll be twice as much of work, though. How big the reward is for more work si hard to tell. Disregarding what I end up with, I hope that if any Norwegians, or Scandinavians for that matter, find anything unclear they message me. 

Valentine's Day?

It appears to me that the world is getting smaller in size as the size of the Internet increases, shortening distances between poeple as well as exchange of ideas. Ever since the TV became more or less a standard item in a household we've become receievers of impulses coming from abroad. American traditions are well known through the endless numbers of TV-shows. Kids these days go out on Halloween,  for example, which wasn't even thought of when I was younger. Adults now even celebrate Valentine's Day. I find the concept of Valentine's Day a bit strange, to be honest. Why would you need a day marked in the calendar to do something nice for your significant other? Going through the effort of planning in advance is nice and all, but the spontanity is all gone. One would assume that a surprise would be more appreciated but that might just be me.

I think we're told quite early on what it means to be successfull in life: you need an education, wife and kids, home and a car. Pet might still be optional, haven't checked lately. Magazines. websites and newspapers bombard us with articles. I need to catch up on the whole relationship issue if I were to follow the timeline suggested by bystanders. This goes back to my fear of ending up alone.

Speaking to my therapist about this was difficult, finding someone should be instinctive to the human kind and failing to do so is very humiliating. You start to question yourself about your appearance and character. Comparing to the dog chasing its tail isn't far fetched. It chases its tail, but what if he catches it? A whole new set of experiences pops up. That's how I am with the idea of a relationship.I want one yet I'm scared of it as I don't know what to do. The only one I had ended about six months ago and lasted almost a year, so that's at least something. It's so easy to doubt yourself. "Why would anyone want to be with you", is a typical thought. My therapist had a theory saying that I had been much by myself in my childhood, more or less lonely without maybe realizing it. The constant need or reassurance has always been around even if I didn't believe what was being said. I just needed the attention.

Back at my therapist, we tried to lower the importance of a relationship. Why was I in such a hurry? Because most of my friends are in a relationship. I've felt the need to prove that I'm not going to be a loner all my life since eventhough I have friends, I'm still much alone and lonely. So, why does it matter? It doesn't, really. I don't need to be married when turning 30, and honestly I don't see it as a probable event either. This turned into something really messy and unstructured. Small bits and threads about everything and nothing because of thinking about one thing leading to a different thing.

Ode to mum

Mother's day is celebrated on the second Sunday of February here in Norway. That's tomorrow, in other words. A biological mother isn't necessarily the same as being a mother. I still can only imagine how difficult it must be to be a parent, a job that doesn't end when the son or daughter moves out, yet it's the job that they wouldn't want to be without. A family needs two good leaders who know how to cooperate and find a way through difficult times. I've had a lot of help from my parents, both my mum and dad, during my tough years. 

I can honestly say that my mum has always been there for me. My memories from before my school years are a bit vague, though. How many hours she spent helping me with homework is impossible to tell, they were many. It was mostly maths, as far as I remember. I could get frustrated very easily if I didn't know what to do, and she had to show me five or seven times before I understood it. Sometimes neither of us had the answer. Looking back it was pleasant time; no matter how bored homework made me, I knew mum was always near.

She didn't have to help me forever, though. My years as a teen desperately needed help of a more supporting matter. I happened to be either sad, angry or frustrated for some reason I couldn't understand. That didn't matter to her, though. I know how difficult it is to trying to help when you don't know what's wrong. She stayed put, earning her title as a mother. 

I remember my the time when I had my graduating exams from college. Already then my performance anxiety was noticeable and I just couldn't sit inside thinking about the exams. Now, I do not know who of us came up wit the idea but we went hiking in the woods during the afternoons, even if I had an exam the next day. Walking outside in the afternoon sun and listening to the nature was just the right thing for me. You might say that those trips and those following during the summer vacation became a form of a ritual of passage, as I moved in the fall to attend University. We still go hiking when I'm back home.

The distance between us is quite big and I bet it must sometimes be hard when I'm having a bad time. I'm only a phone call away but she'd rather be here. That's how mothers are. But I manage, thanks to her. She's the person who don't mind helping me move house, clean, put together furniture from IKEA. What she does is always out of love, no matter how i might come out. Mum only does what she thinks what's best for me.

I don't know if my mum sees this, or if she's read any of the previous posts for that matter as I've tried to do this in a humble fashion. Happy mother's day anyhow, and I'm forever in gratitude of your patience, kindness, wisdom and positivity.

Still a long way to go

One can definitely argue for pros and cons about social media but at the end of the day it is still just a tool. The difference is the users and how we are able to make most of the opportunity. Current events allow us to discuss and express what we think. You just havee to look for the proper channels to find the information you are looking for. 

I think one of the reasons social media is so popular is that the writer is on equal terms with the reader. I don't have a degree in what I write, I only express my own feelings and thoughts. And that might be what some are looking for instead of reading material written by journalists or scholars. You sort of get the feeling of honesty. I'm not saying that no psychologist has experienced anxiety or depression, because its most likely that many have. But we don't know that. It's difficult for a reader to believe what a psychologist writes if he or she has just read about what depression is, not actually experienced it.

There is a trend going on these days. More and more people put pen to paper so to speak and speak up against the prejudices and tabboo regarding mental health. I've read artcles in newspapers written by courageous people. It is comforting to see that people who struggle with different problems aren't any different than me and you. The threshold for seeking counselling might be smaller, and it will be more accepted in the society in general. Some write using their name, while other choose to do it anonymously. A feeling of relief sets in when you write; writing in itself I believe is therapy. Just typing this is a bit of a struggle and exhausting but feels good when some sort of rhythm kicks in. Feedback and response from what you post is priceless. Not only does it inspire you to keep writing but also to keep fighting. I'm guessing that it means particularly much for those who write anonymously; low self esteem and confidence is a reoccuring thing with depression.

A different way of writing about your struggles is just writing what you feel, uncencored. That might not be a bad thing because you sort of get an insight on how the much the anxiety is in controll over your thoughts. I find that quite interesting, to be honest. Being brutally honest might come to a shock for some people, and also scary if they don't have any knowledge about beforehand.  I guess it was like this my previous attempt turned out. The intention wasn't just to scare as much as it was to get some sort of attention from my peers. My state of mind was also in a completely different place; not yet having the ability to really reflect on what was going on.

Snow

The weather in this city is well known for being unpredictable During spring or fall you might encounter weather of all four seasons in just one day. Winter is still here with a bit of snow, low temperatures and all that. Mood wise the weather can make or break a day. A winter day with the sun shining gives an instant boost and lifts you up. Blizzards and such like reduce the visual and audible impressions, turning the world into a blank canvas. Depression is having the canvas in front of you and the only colours available are black, grey and maybe red. I know of very few painters who can turn it into a painting in which you find happiness.

I don't like walking outside when the current conditions are as of now. Underneath the snow on the ground you might find ice, so you never know where it's slippery or not. Each day I don't slipp and fall is a victory. It's not so much about the fear of hurting myself as it is the fear of making a fool out of myself.  I guess this is another side of my social anxiety, and I did mention it for my therapist. I take myself way too seriously when being in public. My time at the university wasn't over when I had help and therefore many student related situations needed to be debunked in a way: When do you need to show up for class, how to behave i. Result of all of this is obvious; showing less emotions, introvert and afraid of breaking a rule I've made but doesn't apply to anyone else. I didn't get angry if anyone talked during a lecture. I got annoyed, yes, but never angry. Same if someone made unnecessary noice at the library. Showing an emotion such as anger has been difficult as long as I remember. I just don't do it eventhough some would say that anger is justiied. Unlearning behaviour such as this takes time. My impression of it now is that it's ok as long as it doesn't restraining me.

Social rules are quite interesting since it dictate how you behave and interact with other people. When at work, I allow myself to be more extrovert than if I were a customer. Our uniforms don't have any secret powers either yet it gives so much more authority. Self esteem grows each day as your knowledge increases and thus the confidence improves. Back in my student days, I didn't have any confidence probably because I felt inferior to everybody else when it came to grades and knowledge. Their success were statements of my failures. Thankfully, I'm better at not comparing myself with other people. I can accept that we all have different starting points and success is relative to that.

THINK

Earlier today I was going through one of my messenger bags looking for something and by accident I found a piece of paper one of my therapists gave me during a session. It's like a guide when you're struggling with social depression, anxiety or a combination of those two, for that matter. The technique is called THINK, an acronym where each letter represents one step. I've been told that it's first and foremost a checklist before speaking, but we, my therapist and I, used it for my situation.  An acronym is supposed to make it easier remembering the steps, but I don't know if that's true. So, without further hesitation, here we go:

T - is it true? Are your thoughts true or false? Are they facts or just something you're imagening. Example, you might think that nobody answered  when you tried to call them, because nobody likes you. People are not mindreaders so therefore you don't know. Assuming the worst outcome is typical for a depressive person. The negative thought is feeding the depression, nurturing it and in return negative thoughts occur more often.

H - is it helpful?  If we're using the same example, how does it help you in your situation to think that nobody likes you? It doesn't, so stop it!

I - is it inspiring? You won't be inspired to go outside and meet people when you have a negative mindset. You'll be stuck in the same pattern you've learned is safe, not trying to improve yourself. Set a goal which is within reason. The feeling of victory is so near. That is inspiring.

N- is it necessary? Do you really feel it's necessary to talk negatively about yourself? I'm sure you can find more positive thoughts instead.

K - is it kind? This should be quite obvious. 

If one or more answers are no, then drop the thought. It's been refuted. Now, this is based very loosely on some old notes that made more sense back then. I just thought it was appropriate to post here as beating depression is very much about refuting thought patterns, which can only be done in a methodically.

Presence of the depression

Ironically, my procrastination has made me postpone this for quite som time. I'm good at that; worrying about it longer than it actually takes to do it. As far as I can remember, this is covered in a previous post, so I'm not going to dwell too much about it. You might say it's an easy start to get me going. I often wonder which impression one make if you're mentally ill. Nobody can see it as you don't use crutches, wear a cast or bandages. And at the same time, when you're depressed you don't care about your surroundings. Sounds or smell don't exist in a vacuum left behind by depression. Eyes might be tilted down focusing only a few meters away. One step at a time is the expression, rarely more appropriate. 

Meeting a friend when outside walking is difficult sometimes. For all you know, you might've walked straight past someone without realising it. The endless grinding of depressed thoughts take all the focus, and from what I've been told that also shows. First thing one would notice is the posture, walking slowly and not as determined as usual. Eyes might appear as a bit empty while a smile is nowhere to be found. Daydreaming or zoning out is so easy to do, disappearing from any conversation that might be happening even if you might find the topic quite interesting. I don't know where the laughter goes, though. It's locked up inside as if you're not allowed to have a good time. Notice if someone you know struggles, not saying much appears a bit lost and suddenly laughs. Laughter shows appreciation and a relaxed state of mind, more than what any word can describe.

Reason for saying this is that it's so easy for people to misunderstand and misinterpet things. If I'm having a bad day, I'd be more introvert and seem sad or upset. It still has nothing to do with you. It's how the illness is, yet my identity is not the same as the mental illness I am struggling with. These situations require some help to drag me along to whatever I might fancy. Please don't see it as rude if I don't say thanks either. Staying in the situation while having anxiety is exhausting, physically and mentally. Thanks anyway, for being there for me or for anyone who needs a hand. 

Why me?

The rational side of me is curious, I like to ask questions. Finding answers to questions, wether they're about life, science or of a practical nature, is fun. It's all about gaining knowledge. My lack of knowledge about my self became apparent when I got ill. Questions were returned unanswered and I was none the wiser, which again increased the level of anxiety. I didn't know how to relate and understand what my physical symptoms were when I didn't know why. The countless numbers of seeing a psychologist gave me some answers, but not all. One question still remains even to this day: Why me?

The world is populated by I don't know how many. All I do know is that we're many who need to share this place called Earth. There probably is an answer to why I got "chosen", either genetic, physiological or a combination. Pulling the shortest straw is a metaphor I hold on to, as if it was random. Still, it felt unfair to be troubled with all of this for no reason. As a small digression, I'd say it is okay to feel the despair and hopelessness. My point is that you're allowed to not feel guilty of blaming yourself just because other have it worse than you. Your problems are real and very much relevant for your well being. 

Grasping onto that shortest straw has been somewhat helpful. The world is full of coincidences and this might just be one of them. It's easier for me to relax if I know that there isn't a specific choice or action in life I should've done different. Blaming myself for choosing heads when the coin lands with tails up is pointless. Well, blaming myself is pointless anyway, and rarely constructive. Maybe my choice of side, to use that metaphor, made it easier for someone else. I don't wish my history and struggles upon any of my friends. For all I know they might have chosen the same side of the coin as me, and I just don't know it. 

Please remember that ""[y]ou are enough. You are so enough, it's unbelievable how enough you are. "

Daring to win, should you?

People motivate eachother in many different ways, mostly when a project is coming to fruition or a specific goal is set. "Dare to win" they say. This expression is in my ears completely wrong. It's not scary to reach your goal. I'd say "dare to fail"! I'm not saying you shouldn't be happy when or if you accomplish what you've set yourself as a goal. But the journey can be long no matter how complicated things are, you might end up in a completely different place than expected or just the journey turns into a rollercoaster of a ride.

What if you don't reach your goal at all? Sounds a bit scary, I'll be the first to admit it. This is part of reality, part of being alive. Success isn't carved in stone. Depressed people often don't have the confidence to believe that it'll work out right yet they try and try. Exposing yourself to new impulses and coming out from the safe surroundings takes courage. I know how extremely difficult this is when you're facing your fears. I've had quite the level of anxiety just knowing I needed to go shopping. Every single plausible outcome is spinning around in your head, no matter how irrational it might be. I didn't know if I'd get to the store, let alone get outside. Exposing myself to a potential failure, and knowing that I did, made me uncomfortable. Compare it to gambling. You have to be prepared to lose in order to win. In real life you lose even if you don't gamble as it becomes harder each time if you give in to the anxiety without trying. 

Let's say you've gone outside and feel the anxiety grasping onto you. I'd say there is no shame in going back home. You tried and made yourself vulnerable, and that shows bravery. What I learned, or been told at least, is to feel how the anxiety feels on different parts on your body. When you learn to describe how it feels and get used to the anxiety, it'll be less scary each time. I'm not saying it will be pleasant but in time you learn how to cope with it. Lastly, pat yourself for every accomplishment you make. And dare to fail!

Work

My bachelor degree in history was complete in 2011 and I knew already then that I wanted to stay in this city. I had no idea how difficult it would be to find a job, though. There's so much to consider when looking for a job and you're struggling with your mental health. People with physical disabilities seem to have it a bit easier, as the employer and the employee can agree on specific ways to accomodate the employee. Mental illnesses are a different matter since the one who struggles often might not even know what is the best for him/her.

The dilemmas start even before you get a job. Questions pop up every day:"What do you want to work with, what are you good at, "will you fail" etc. And you might wonder how in the worl you're going to get up in the morning when you maybe struggle to get out of bed at noon. A therapist told me something about this. He said that "you can't ask yourself what you want to do when you're awakened by the alarm. Nobody wants to get up, but they do". And he was right. During the last couple of years I've got up at 5:30 in the morning. I definitely didn't want to. I just did it without giving me the opportunity to think and notice how sleepy I was.

First you need a job to go to, though. Are you willing to tell a possible employer that you struggle with whatever it is? Let me be the first to say that in an ideal world you shouldn't be afraid to tell that. Employers should thank you for being open and honest. Those are qualities employers often look for. Still, it might be a dealbreaker even today. Someone who are uncertain about what to expect or even be a prejudist might choose a different person. There is no definite answer to what you should do. Follow your instinct and see what impression you're given by the employer. Wether you want to talk to your coworkers or not, that's also up to you. A good work environment would encourage you to share it. No need to make a big deal out of it. Making a big deal out of it might have the reverse effect of what you want. Show them, and yourself, that you're completely ordinary and can do just the same as the rest.

I remember back in 2012 when I was looking for a job. I got a sort of a practice period at a supermarket. Working at a supermarket was so far fetched that I had not concidered it in the first place. To be honest, I didn't think I'd be able to go through with it. Time came and went, and I learned something new every day, had awesome colleagues and a boss who supported and believed in me. All of this made me believe in myself. I still work at a supermarket, not the same one but in the same store chain. Initially I thought about getting an office job or in the academics. Now I enjoy spending time with people eventhough it still is a bit of a challenge when you have social anxiety. Every shift leaves me mentally exhausted. I enjoy it and that's why I go back.