Snow

The weather in this city is well known for being unpredictable During spring or fall you might encounter weather of all four seasons in just one day. Winter is still here with a bit of snow, low temperatures and all that. Mood wise the weather can make or break a day. A winter day with the sun shining gives an instant boost and lifts you up. Blizzards and such like reduce the visual and audible impressions, turning the world into a blank canvas. Depression is having the canvas in front of you and the only colours available are black, grey and maybe red. I know of very few painters who can turn it into a painting in which you find happiness.

I don't like walking outside when the current conditions are as of now. Underneath the snow on the ground you might find ice, so you never know where it's slippery or not. Each day I don't slipp and fall is a victory. It's not so much about the fear of hurting myself as it is the fear of making a fool out of myself.  I guess this is another side of my social anxiety, and I did mention it for my therapist. I take myself way too seriously when being in public. My time at the university wasn't over when I had help and therefore many student related situations needed to be debunked in a way: When do you need to show up for class, how to behave i. Result of all of this is obvious; showing less emotions, introvert and afraid of breaking a rule I've made but doesn't apply to anyone else. I didn't get angry if anyone talked during a lecture. I got annoyed, yes, but never angry. Same if someone made unnecessary noice at the library. Showing an emotion such as anger has been difficult as long as I remember. I just don't do it eventhough some would say that anger is justiied. Unlearning behaviour such as this takes time. My impression of it now is that it's ok as long as it doesn't restraining me.

Social rules are quite interesting since it dictate how you behave and interact with other people. When at work, I allow myself to be more extrovert than if I were a customer. Our uniforms don't have any secret powers either yet it gives so much more authority. Self esteem grows each day as your knowledge increases and thus the confidence improves. Back in my student days, I didn't have any confidence probably because I felt inferior to everybody else when it came to grades and knowledge. Their success were statements of my failures. Thankfully, I'm better at not comparing myself with other people. I can accept that we all have different starting points and success is relative to that.