What's your number?

I've had more than one experience of how difficult it is to communicate what you are feeling and discomfort. Mental illness is so vague that often you don't know what you're feeling. Thresholds of pain, either physical or mental, are quite subjective. I have a tip for you that will make this easier, and it's quite obvious when you think about it. All you have to do is grade what you feel from one to ten where ten is almost unbearable. So if you say to someone that your anxiety level is, let's say eight or nine, the person would understand that it is quite high based on his or her experiences.

Grading anxiety, depression and any other problems also helps you in your journey of recovery. Again, describing what you are feeling isn't always that easy. But you do, however, feel a change of some sort. Is it better or worse? Try to grade how you are feeling after each session of training. Writing down a word or two doesn't hurt either if there's something special. Putting a number to your current state is a great start, though.

Then the question of when to be satisfied might come up. Is it benefitial to set the anxiety level of one as a goal if you're constantly up around eight, nine or even ten? Or maybe that's contradictory to what you would like to achieve? Perhaps you can be satisfied around a four. A lot of work has been done as long as the anxiety isn't bigger than you can still be in the situation. Any progression is worth smiling for. Experiencing a few relapses is expected, so no need to grind bad thoughts because of that. Two steps back is a good deal if you advance four or five steps next turn, right?

Holidays

Hope you all had a great Easter or any other holiday you might have celebrated these days. I just wanted to make a little post about holidays as I have a rather ambivalent feeling about them. Spending time with my family doesn't mind me at all, don't get me wrong. But at the same time, I feel there are so many expectations about them: You're together at all times, eveything is super, little room for any spontanity if you have traditions from earlier years. Mind you, these are very general and I don't think everybody thinks this way. Maybe it has something to do with depression, who knows?

For those of you who know me, know that I'm quite calm and introverted. So in my case, spending time around a lot of people over a longer period of time is exhausting. There is no rule that says you have to be social all the time. My advice is to do it on your own terms, don't let the anxiety control you, isolating you. Going for a walk is always nice to let the senses focus on new things.

Holidays are meant to be joyful occations but that doesn't mean you can't be in touch with how you're feeling. There is no need to feel like a party pooper or guilt of any sort. What you're dealing with has nothing to do with disrespecting any of the other guests or the host. It's their own fault if they think so. This can be a good time to understand more about yourself, too. Is there anything extra happening that sets of a feeling of discomfort, and if so, why? Point is, you're allowed to not be in tip top shape, even during Christmas. 

The last year I've spent two Easters, I think, away from home and this year was the first time I celebrated Christmas away from home, as well. Eventhough it is nice to be home and do things the way you usually do them, doing some changes is always nice. Some preferr to spend a holiday on their own. Again, and this goes for anything really, do what you do out of excitement or joy. Don't let the depression decide for you, nor let other people tell you what to do. 

Don't take things for granted

I've had a stiff neck the last two or three days, making it difficult as well as painful to turn my head either direction. A situation like this made me again think how strange the human body is. The difference between how my neck is now and how it usually is, is quite big. Such a small area on our body not functioning properly and we don't give it credit when it works fine.

The same thing goes for our mental health. Everybody has a mental health. You have a good mental health if you're not depressed or struggle with any other issues, but the health is still there. Just like saying you're in good physical shape, you can be in good mental shape. Remember to acknowledge that when you are in that state of mind; flex those mental muscles in front of the mirror. Well, maybe not, but you get the idea. Don't feel any need to hide it, from yourself or other.

Your mental health need to be maintained just as your body. Not by lifting weights, but rather through exercises or constructive thinking. Let's face it, some are more responsive or more able to have a mental illness than others. That's why you need to find out what works for you so you don't have to start from scratch everytime. Repetitions of exercises you do either in public or at home builds up your "immune system" so to speak. Plus not everything works for everybody. That's why you can familiarize yourself in the "mental gym" and the stations available. Some even get a tutorial by a training expert, here a psychologist, to help you find the right stations for what you want to practice. From personal experience, I know that excersises are tough, especially if they're something you're not used to. Having a form of reaction afterwards, either physical or mental, is not unheard of, I suppose. That's like having sore muscles you haven't used in ages.

Strange thing happened yesterday

Happy Monday to you who decides to read this. My weekend consisted of working, even yesterday although it's not a common thing in this country. Working the first shift on Sundays is actually one of the best shifts on the schedule, believe it or not. Now, the strange thing that happened. Sometimes I have my wallet in a pocket on my uniform while working but probably not so much in the future and here's why: I lost my wallet!

Or so I thought. Initially I thought somebody had stolen it. This was such a letdown. Losing a key or something else is almost unforgivable. As I might've written earlier my harsh judgement will never be transferable to other people. My high expectations of myself really limits me. So, after spending a lot of time looking, retracing my steps, cursing and blaming myself, I actually found it. And you know what? I felt something that I haven't felt in a long time. I felt happy! I'm not meaning just feeling content but actually the kind of happiness where you want to hug everybody around you and smile. So one of the worst incidents I've had in a long time turned into an occasion of joy; not just because that I was happy at that very moment but also the significance of being able to be happy.

The question I ask myself now is where did that come from? Why am I not able to feel like that on a normal day? Maybe it's my assumption of how other people are when they describe themselves as happy. I see them as euphoric and head over heels with joy, when in the end there is no final answer to what happiness really is. In the meantime, I'm happy with being content. Setting the bar too high will only bring you down again, right?

Lonely?

When you're social life is a bit different there are many outcomes. It all comes down to how you choose to deal with the problem. Take me as an example; I have social anxiety and tendency to avoid crowds. The result is often that I feel lonely and less worth than other people. Many of my friends do know about my struggle with depression. How many do know that I feel lonely? Very few, I reckon. Now, feeling and being lonely aren't necessarily the same thing, but it's easy to think that especially when you have friends yet still don't meet them on your spare time. 

People might say that it's no more difficult than typing a text or making a call. I don't disagree but why am I different? From the moment I want to make contact with someone it can take several days before I actually go through with it. Days with stress, anxiety and wondering about the outcome. Earlier experiences with negative results act as foreshadowing and not knowing the result is often the most comfortable. Neither do I disturb anyone with a call.

Knowing that I'm creating all sorts of problems in my head is frustrating and a bit discouraging, to be honest. I understand that what I think is "normal" is actually wrong, therefore I must act opposite of what seems logical to prove my sense of logic actually is wrong. Furthermore, what stops me from being social also prevents me from telling how I feel. Telling people that you're lonely is so hard, because one would think that that should be a piece of cake, that you're a failure. Saying that, using your voice, often gives that thought credibility, more than if it's just a thought. 
Nor do I want to ask to join other people's plans. I only feel that I'm not wanted as I'm not asked in the first place.

Read the paragraph above again and see what's reoccuring. It's the usage of "feel". That's what all of this is about, feeling and thinking like this happens because of a malpractice by the brain. The reality is not like that, though. It's difficult to say that truth is objective as what we see as truth is coloured by our own subjective stands. The present plus the past tell us what we think we want to hear, confirming our negative theories. That doesn't mean the problems aren't real, though. Otherwise one would correct them without any help. And there is no shame in asking for help. I don't understand why the society is so competitive, strength is only shown when doing everything by yourself. Exposing your weakness is actually a show of strength.

Update!

It's been a few days since my last post, but there's no drama to report. The supermarket has done a big upgrade and all of the employees have helped out. We've rearranged the layout of the store, all of the shelves have been repositioned and the most of the items have different places in the store noe. We did all of that and let me tell you it's not a simple job. Each shelf has its own chart to where things go and we need to follow that, which is quite mentally exhausting. Then there's the physical aspect of moving heavy stuff, too. We started Saturday afternoon and was finished Monday evening, so it's a massive effort.

It's taken its toll on me personally. First and foremost by the fact that there are so many people around you: Electricians, carpenters and many other people do their job. I'd say it's a bit chaotic but there's a plan to this chaos. Having to deal with so many is a bit out of the ordinary for me but I don't mind. We had the opportunity to talk while working and having a lot of fun. The project is quite social and important for making a team. Eventhough I could only sit in my sofa when I got home I would do it again. Being part of a team givees me a boost, so does spending time with colleagues and being appreciated for my contribution. 

In other news, football season has started again and this is my 9th season as season ticket holder. I remember watching the games as a kid, dreaming about seeing a game live. The rush you get when walking out on the stands is still as fresh as it was the first time I watched a game. 9 seasons are a lot of games, and a lot of happy moments as well as sad moments. That's the beauty of the game. You and many thousands of people go each match, sharing a passion. What you also share are the good and bad times as a unit. The feeling of being part of something bigger than yourself is there just as it is at work. A good or bad result in the end doesn't matter; watching football has given me so much fun. And after all, nothing becomes history as quickly as a bad result.

Visual signs on state of mind

I really need to pay more attention on the newspages. Recently there was a heading that said there has been research done on how we dress ourselves. I only got as far as opening the tab before doing something else. That's just great. Anyway, the researchers claimed that your state of mind and how well you feel determines what kind of clothes we choose and how much time we use to look good. Anyone who is happy and satisfied would choose proper attire when being out in public, he or she cares about the appearance as opposed to let's say a depressed one.

I'm not sure if this fits me. Sure, I wear sweatpants when I'm at home and I don't bother to change if I'm only going to the store for some food. However, I do take my time to wear nice clothes when heading somewhere. My mood and how I feel about myself go up and down as it does for most people. Despite this, my choice of clothing has changed only slightly these last years.

Wearing a suit was normal attire for me the last couple of years at the university. It is a far stretch to say that all my self confidence at the time came from the suit but it definitely had an influence. A positive side effect I discovered was that I had to keep in mind how my posture was. Sitting properly was the only way to do it in the study halls. As most people do when they come home I was quick with changing to something more comfortable. This made it easier to relax when being at home, my mind got a clearer perception of what was work and what was spare time. In the long run, though, was I less depressed during my years as a student? Probably not. The motivation for dressing nicely was different, however. I felt more respected, more liked and received more attention in general. All of this probably affected my mood. Is this just babbling or does it make some sort of sense?

What if?

My mind usually thinks about everything and nothing, even at the same time. A central topic, or category if you like, is the what if-category. What if I had chosen a different field of study, what if I had taken a different bus yesterday. There's hardly a limit to what I can think about. My view on the world is that everything is coincidental, with no specific route to the goal. It is fascinating to a certain extend to imagine what all the different alternative "roads" are like. 

You know what I think the reason for this is? Well, I think it's because of my lack of confidence and self esteem. I'm having such a hard time trusting my choices that I always wonder if the grass is greener on the otherside. I am getting better at not caring, eventhough that brings up the issue of wether I'm irresponsible or not. One thing leads to the next one with social anxiety. And there all present to prevent you functioning like you really would like to. If you asked me what to focus on, I'd say you focus on the confidence. That seems more like the underlying issue to me. The way to do it is just as easy as it is difficult: by not caring about the small things in life that don't really matter. Just writing that makes me doubt myself. Expecting a failure is somewhat easier to relate to, rather than thinking everything will be just fine on the first try and then be mad at myself. It's been a shield of mine for as long as I can remember, and probably keeping me away from happy moments, as well.

On a different note, I see something interesting when reading the statistics of the viewers. Lately more people from outside of Norway have visited this page than Norwegians. I do promote each post because I want as many people to read what I have to say. But this doesn't say why there are so many international readers. Is social anxiety more relevant to the international readers? Is it because you know me, or maybe not know me? Same goes for my Norwegian readers: what makes it interesting to read? I'm very grateeful that you take your time, whatever the reason may be. After all, you click on the link when you easily could just skip it.

Scary places and their powers

Greetings, readers. It's yet another Monday, and I know you either like them or hate them. I've done some errands today, which means that I've also spent some time taking the bus from place to place. Taking the bus is something I don't mind, however I don't like waiting for the bus. One of the things I like is that you can zone completely out and think about whatever you want.

Today my mind wandered backwards in time and reflected upon what I've struggled to do. A tendency to avoid certain social situations or places is a constant enemy. The anxiety is lurking in the background eventhough I might not recognize any symptom; they're such a big part of how I am that I might not react to it. However, I do know it's there when I feel the urge to withdraw myself from a situation. 

The funny thing is, most of times there is nothing to be afraid of. Anxiety is an interaction between body and mind to make you alert of danger. You might have felt discomfort in the same place on an earlier occasion or just being able to draw parallells to a completely different place is enough for the anxiety to appear. I remember going back to school to redo my senior year; high puls, shivering, sweating and a desire to go home. This was I was afraid to exposing myself, to face the recent defeat. Not just facing my thoughts about myself but also the fear of what other might say. The latter really scared me. I'm not a mindreader, you know. I probably wouldn't believe them either if they said what they thought about me. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, huh?

Forwarding a bit in time to where I live now. The same problem was present when I had a hard time at the university. All of my expectations of myself were there waiting to talk me down just as I entered the door, and my friends would probably shun me like the plague. Things normalised themselves after about six months or so and then I didn't drag myself down. You sort of forget to think about what might go wrong after a while when nothing's happened over a longer period of time.

You might say there is a fear of the fear itself. I've always been scared of  doing something wrong or embarrasing myself at a place in which I am comfortable. I guess knowing the answer to the problem is somewhat a downer, too. I know that I have to fight the anxiety by approaching the situation and stay in it, and I know how much effort that takes. Many battles have I fought, yet the final number is unknown. Somehow I know that there is another fight against the deamons. This means my sword shall stay ready.

Changing the past?

We all know that we should not look backwards but forwards. I like to use the train as a metaphor. When depressed you would rather sit with your back towards the direction in order to see where you have been, rather than looking forward to see where you might be. The interesting question is why we, or at least I, do it. Do we wish we could change the past? Or are we trying to analyze the chain of events that led up to the present day?

I think we humans tend to seek reliable answers no matter how difficult the question is. An answer in a chaotic world is assuring, comforting. Still, I think it's too easy to say that the result b is because of action a. Natural sciences can operate with such laws but there are so much that happens in our lifes outside of our control. At least I can't pinpoint a specific situation and say my depression and anxiety derived out of that. If I had the chance to go back and make a different choice, would I? Probably not. The alternative version is unknown and for all I know it could be worse. My depression has been an angel in disguise, sort of speak. I've met so many great people and done a whole lot I probably wouldn't have if I didn't retake my senior year at college. For all I know I might have not even lived here.

Don't get too comfy looking sitting against the train's direction, though. From my experience it is easy to become passive and an observer of your life, letting the train take you wherever it is going. You need to take control of that train and change course based on what you want to do. There is no right or wrong here; activities that give you happiness for a short while are just as important as keeping focus on your longterm goals. Again, use your fanclub for what it's worth. Sometimes you need to be pushed in the direction of fun.

Time flies

Time flies even if you're not depressed. We're already in March and it feels like we just celebrated Christmas. Same thing happens when you're spending time at home, like I've done during my depression. No day is different. It's so easy to forget to do what you loved to do before. To be fair, the depression is just covering your excitement you have for your hobbies.

Some of my online friends asked to see my photos, which I am more than gladly to show. I also realized that it's been quite a while since I was outside with the camera. It's definitely not boring. Everything I know is self taught, meaning that I sort of knowing what I do, but not why. The constant fear of failure and also having my low skill level exposed.

It's a relief when other people give feedback for something you've done or made. I used to think that it was just out of pity, or they didn't want to hurt my feelings when my self-confidence was low already. The confidence is given a boost now. 

But when can I be satisfied with my own work? What makes a photo good, for example? The motive and quality are two obvious criterias. Just as the technical aspect is important, the emotions need to be present. With that I mean what I felt when I was outside taking the photos, moodvise and physical, noises and sound matter too. A good photo is the result of a stabile and relaxed me. Therefore I have the presumption that I won't approve anything I do when I'm not feeling well. Forcing myself rarely works, just as if I were to buy any new clothes. I never find something I like when I'm looking for a special item. Still, I'm not saying that I should wait untill I'm superhappy. Defining what you feel takes practice. What you might consider as not feeling well could just as easy just be a feeling of content: You don't feel superduper, nor do you feel like you've hit rock bottom.  To be honest, I dislike the assumption that you need to feel great all day, every day. Why can't we be happy with just being content? As a final thing, I thought I'd share a photo which I like to think of as a favourite.

Getting help, a lottery

This is something that bugs me a lot and I just have to put it out there, like a Tuesday rant if you like. There is a huge difference when it comes to getting help for mental problems as opposed to physical ones. You can have an appointment at the doctor's office the same day as you call them if you need prescriptions or having tests done. Doctors know pretty much the same as the next doctor and are available in cities and most small villages. 

The available, or unavailable rather, help for mental problems makes me mad. How easy it is to get in touch with a psychologist depends on where you live. You either have to spend time getting to and from the appointment or there is a long waiting list. I'm not trying to set up what's worst between x and y, but it clearly can't be healthy to wait a month or two for your first session. I'd say the difference in professionalism is bigger among psychologists/psychiatrists than regular doctors. It must've been a psychiatrist the person I saw ten years ago, when I lived at home. All I got out of it was prescription for medications and a date for the next appointment. In retrospect, that didn't help me one bit.

My experiences where I live now is the complete opposite. First I had six months or so at the therapist office available for students when I still studied. It's a low threshold kind of thing, so it's not meant to be for a longer period of time. But I had my first session within a few days from the day I called them. To be allowed to see a psychologist at the hospital's psychology department, your doctor has to send a recommendation/application for you. What happens next is that the psychologists review the applications and see who might need to get started. I don't think I waited that long, to be honest. 

My wish is that the psychology department at every hospital are funded well enough to expand the selection of help they're offering, and not needing to downsize. Sadly enough, money talks even within healthcare. Budgets demand that something's got to go, either the number of psychologists, bedposts for the admitted patients and so on. Healthcare is not a post on the budget where you can expect a positive number without making sacrifices for people like you and me. A negative number would to me mean more being done to help more people. Quality of life can't be measured in money.