What if?

My mind usually thinks about everything and nothing, even at the same time. A central topic, or category if you like, is the what if-category. What if I had chosen a different field of study, what if I had taken a different bus yesterday. There's hardly a limit to what I can think about. My view on the world is that everything is coincidental, with no specific route to the goal. It is fascinating to a certain extend to imagine what all the different alternative "roads" are like. 

You know what I think the reason for this is? Well, I think it's because of my lack of confidence and self esteem. I'm having such a hard time trusting my choices that I always wonder if the grass is greener on the otherside. I am getting better at not caring, eventhough that brings up the issue of wether I'm irresponsible or not. One thing leads to the next one with social anxiety. And there all present to prevent you functioning like you really would like to. If you asked me what to focus on, I'd say you focus on the confidence. That seems more like the underlying issue to me. The way to do it is just as easy as it is difficult: by not caring about the small things in life that don't really matter. Just writing that makes me doubt myself. Expecting a failure is somewhat easier to relate to, rather than thinking everything will be just fine on the first try and then be mad at myself. It's been a shield of mine for as long as I can remember, and probably keeping me away from happy moments, as well.

On a different note, I see something interesting when reading the statistics of the viewers. Lately more people from outside of Norway have visited this page than Norwegians. I do promote each post because I want as many people to read what I have to say. But this doesn't say why there are so many international readers. Is social anxiety more relevant to the international readers? Is it because you know me, or maybe not know me? Same goes for my Norwegian readers: what makes it interesting to read? I'm very grateeful that you take your time, whatever the reason may be. After all, you click on the link when you easily could just skip it.