Greetings, readers. It's yet another Monday, and I know you either like them or hate them. I've done some errands today, which means that I've also spent some time taking the bus from place to place. Taking the bus is something I don't mind, however I don't like waiting for the bus. One of the things I like is that you can zone completely out and think about whatever you want.
Today my mind wandered backwards in time and reflected upon what I've struggled to do. A tendency to avoid certain social situations or places is a constant enemy. The anxiety is lurking in the background eventhough I might not recognize any symptom; they're such a big part of how I am that I might not react to it. However, I do know it's there when I feel the urge to withdraw myself from a situation.
The funny thing is, most of times there is nothing to be afraid of. Anxiety is an interaction between body and mind to make you alert of danger. You might have felt discomfort in the same place on an earlier occasion or just being able to draw parallells to a completely different place is enough for the anxiety to appear. I remember going back to school to redo my senior year; high puls, shivering, sweating and a desire to go home. This was I was afraid to exposing myself, to face the recent defeat. Not just facing my thoughts about myself but also the fear of what other might say. The latter really scared me. I'm not a mindreader, you know. I probably wouldn't believe them either if they said what they thought about me. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, huh?
Forwarding a bit in time to where I live now. The same problem was present when I had a hard time at the university. All of my expectations of myself were there waiting to talk me down just as I entered the door, and my friends would probably shun me like the plague. Things normalised themselves after about six months or so and then I didn't drag myself down. You sort of forget to think about what might go wrong after a while when nothing's happened over a longer period of time.
You might say there is a fear of the fear itself. I've always been scared of doing something wrong or embarrasing myself at a place in which I am comfortable. I guess knowing the answer to the problem is somewhat a downer, too. I know that I have to fight the anxiety by approaching the situation and stay in it, and I know how much effort that takes. Many battles have I fought, yet the final number is unknown. Somehow I know that there is another fight against the deamons. This means my sword shall stay ready.
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