Puzzle

My mind and my soul
I feel like a jigsaw puzzle
A puzzle, I cannot 
Complete
Pieces missing, pieces not fit
Haunting motive
Can you help, we'll complete it
together?

An unhappy May 17th?

May 17th is the day where we celebrate our own Constitution, with parades, dressing up nicely, and spending time with friends. Take a look on social media and you'll see groups of friends happy, laughing and enjoying the day as a whole. You won't see a photo like that of me, though. 

The last days have been awful. My depression and anxiety have come back in full force, making it hard enough to even step outside the door. Same with eating or doing any other basic stuff. It's like my brain tells me to fade. I don't feel like I'm me now. And I feel helpless. Wish there was a quick fix, though. Currently being between a rock and a hard place is tough: Being this ill yet being told I'm not ill enough for counselling. Monday was also my first day in job training as I've been out of work for a while. It's exhausting, and I don't know what's going on. I'm confused. So many are saying different things and I don't know what I want or am able to do. What if I don't succeed? 

So no photos today, no traditional outfit, no nothing. Just me being inside watching the tv. I've involuntarily cut every social connection; I can't blame them when I don't even like myself. 

Do I want things to continue as they are? Probably not, and I only say that cause everything else, even the better, seems risky. No matter how bad you feel you still feel it's a "comfort zone" cause there are no surprises. It's bad but familiar. Any other situation and you don't know what might happen.

Without a map

Good times don't demand so little from you. You have your map showing you where to go. It's easy, right? You locate your goal and where you are at the moment and work out a way towards that goal. Think you're off track? Check the surroundings and adjust. It's like this mentally, as well. Wether it is a new job you're looking for or searching for the perfect house, you know what to do in order to achieve that goal. Usually setting smaller goals is easier than setting a gigantic goal, which might be discouraging from the start.

Now, imagine you're in a desert with no landmarks or familiar terrain around you. Yet still, you've got a map in your hand showing what's definitely an entirely different area. How are you supposed to find a way to the goal? How do you even know what you want to achieve? It's difficult to wander almost blind, questioning everything and nothing because there's a guy on your shoulder saying everybody is against you.

I feel that I've got the right map. What I'd like to achieve is also fairly familiar. Somehow it is the navigation that is a struggle, not knowing which path to follow in order to reach the next checkpoint. You might say that my skills at reading my map are not quite good and therefore wandering in a random fashion, trying each path. For every path which is wrong, attempting the next one becomes more difficult. 

Maybe I have had the wrong motivation all along. I've always had to focus on the big achievement at the end of the road while I should've had lower expectations of myself as well as how to get there. I'm starting to think there isn't a set goal for us. What makes us feel that we've accomplished something differs from person to person. Your own goal will be revealed as long as you follow your own path, listening to your own navigator.

Do you know where you are?

Do you know where you are in this world? It might be a stupid question to ask. Even if you're in an area unfamiliar to you, you will always be able to describe your surroundings using your senses. The surroundings also include the people, who might be trigging the anxiety. Would it be better not to know where you are if the people also "disappear"? I think many of us do it, either on purpose or subconsciously. It's not difficult to see either these days. What do you think I'm thinking of?

Was "listening to music" your answer? If so, then one point to you. A habit to many of us, myself included. Having your favourite music a few touches on a button away is genious. It is relaxing, time seems to pass quicker, or it can help you to be motivated for a long run. But there is a different side to it. Listening to music makes it more difficult to pick up all the sounds surrounding you when being outside. Wether it's people, traffic, animals, or the weather, they all get muted. The effect of it all basically is that you become less aware of where you are, not only physically but also mentally. Taking away conversations around you means you don't have to relate to anyone. You make your own comfort zone where nobody is allowed access. This is also a strategy to not let yourself be in a state where you can feel the symptoms of your anxiety.

I think most people wear headsets and listen to music in urban surroundings. I can understand that, with all the noise and such. I do it myself, after all. What I don't understand, though, is why choose to seclude yourself from reality when being outside in the nature. I can't do it. To not listen to birds, the wind, and the nature in general is to make the experience incomplete. If I am to follow the example from above, you might say that one shut out all sound because one is afraid. We can't control when and how sound should appear in nature especially, as it is more dynamic to a rather static urban life where you know what to expect. This also means you, or the anxiety rather, tells you to be on alert at all times. An irregularity such as hiking might be of good help, as the longer you stay in a state of anxiety and nothing happens, the less scary it'll be in the future. Furthermore, it is good to just be in contact with nature. We as humans have developed quickly compared to how long this earth has been habitable, so for some reason I think it's good for us to go back to our roots, so to speak.

Just a short text on awareness of our presense. How much can you actually remember from the walk home from work, or sitting on the bus?

Control

Control. That's what it is all about. Fear of losing control over my thoughts, fear of not getting it back, the battle between feelings and reason. I'd say the battle between feelings and reason is in all of us, not just me. Wether it's a fear of heights, pets or any other thing, we might not think of it like that. I know very well that what makes me feel anxious are far away from any logic. When thinking in a rational manner, questioning my scenarios, it's easier to see that they don't hold any water. Why keep doing something whichh isn't beneficial?

My anxiety and symptoms involved have had a strong grip on my logical thinking. They're part of the panic mode mentioned in the previous post. It's like a devil in disguise where you listen to them, preventing you from being in the present, challenging the anxiety. Because when you pull yourself away from the situation, the symptoms resign. So there are subliminal messages saying that stepping away from something you fear, is good. Yet it's the complete opposite that can help you.

Something which annoys me is the need to check and double-check that I've done certain things, like locking the door, turned off the plate, got everything with me when I'm heading out etc. Kind of like OCD but not as severe. I still do it, though, even when I know inside that it's just stupid of me to no trust my own actions. Yet I also know that I'll be walking around thinking about a minor thing if I don't make certain. It's a matter of my expectations of myself as well as a matter of control. I need to be perfect and don't mess up. I'll never let it go if I do. And maybe something like that happened when I was a kid. Maybe I forgot to lock the door and the shame and the feeling that I let everybody down was so strong, so I kept thinking about it untill it became second nature.

Purpose of being anxious

I think most of us look for an explanation to why something occurs, especially when it's got to do with your own health. Finding a reason to why you feel like you do is one step closer to a treatment, no matter how small the issue is. It's logical for us to do what we can to avoid any feeling of discomfort. Dealing with psychological problems is far more complex than if you've got a broken bone somewhere. You've got to find all the little threads that lead up to a big ball and then start to find a way to make it better. Many, myself included, need some help to reflect and stop the illogical reasoning the mind has taught itself to do.

Can there be any relation to why we, or I in this case, experience anxiety and the symptoms I feel? I'd say yes. First sign is that I am mostly anxious when I'm outside. Why? It is as simple as it is outside, or away from home, I'm not in control over what happens around me. I can't decide other peoples' actions according to my own levels of comfort. I've never been afraid of being attacked, but rather that I don't know how to behave or what to say in a social setting in order to feel accepted, and that's what is frightening to me. All this thinking about what should I say now, did I say something stupid, do I look weird, I've got nothing to contribute, and so on makes my brain go into panic mode. No logical thoughts, only insecure self judgement with no solution to how to stop them, keep coming in a rapid face. 

Physiologically, anxiety is how the body reacts to a panic mode: Can't focus on one thing, rapid and shallow breathing, feeling warm, incapable of staying calm. How people might react is different from person to person. The body acts like it is responding a real threat, only that there is no real threat. Your social anxiety has led to a miswiring in your head, and it happens so fast you most likely don't even realize it. This can be sorted out by the help of a therapist. as he or she is on the outside to give input on how you're thinking and guide you in the right direction.

This is just my own thoughts, and I don't claim to have any knowledge about it other than my own experiences. If you feel the need to talk to someone I suggest consulting a therapist who actually has studied this and can help you. Never feel any shame for asking a professional for help. Instead, be proud because you're dealing with your problems. Just don't go alone hiding it from everyone. Let people be your fanclub. Be stronger together.

Social life or lack of?

The end of the previous post touched the subject of friends and spending time around other people. Most of my time in my childhood was spent alone. Not that I didn't have any friends. I just kept to myself outside of school and football practices, usually in my room. For some reason I had the impression that visiting people was just something we rarely did, so I didn't bother too much. But the main factor might be that even at an early age I was sceptical towards being away from home. Since the term social anxiety was unknown to me, the reason for what kept me from seeing friends was blurry in a way.

Moving to a different place a long way from home while holding on to the selfdestructive thoughts and actions, like being alone, was difficult. It was a big shock to learn that my friends didn't think so much about consequences and risks when spending time outside. Even greater was the impact of knowing how impulsive one could be. Meanwhile I was locked inside my own prison. I had the key although I didn't know it. My life has definitely not turned out how I thought it would, eventhough I didn't exactly have any specific thoughts about it. Just not like this. I am sure that if anyone reads it, you are one of my friends. As I've said, I do have friends. Plenty, according to Facebook, Twitter, Twitch and all the other social platforms. Yet still can you find me week after week with no plans, only because of the fear of rejections. What really puts me off is seeing or learning that friends have done something together, wether it's movie, party, or meeting at a café without inviting me. It hurts to know that people maybe don't want me around or even worse, forgetting that I exist. If I fear that people don't want me around because of something I've done or said, how easy is it to take the initiative?

My insecurity makes me doubt if I should've written this. All I'm thinking is that I've angered someone I hold dear and that's not the intention. The objective is to make the reader, if there are any, aware of the impact social anxiety has on one's life. You're questioning everything about yourself. "Why would they want to be friends with me", "why wasn't I invited", "I'm not good enough for them" etc. You walk around thinking such thoughts untill you believe them yourself, fullfilling the prophecy. What I can change to be a better friend and feel more included is difficult to say. One of the most embarrasing things I know is to ask people what their plans and if it's okay to join. That is almost a definite sign of desperation and loneliness. It seems like being lonely or without friends today is the same as if you're a failure as person. It's so easy, everybody thinks, to be social and have friends. Guess what? It's not easy.


And I am lonely, inside my prison.