Social life or lack of?

The end of the previous post touched the subject of friends and spending time around other people. Most of my time in my childhood was spent alone. Not that I didn't have any friends. I just kept to myself outside of school and football practices, usually in my room. For some reason I had the impression that visiting people was just something we rarely did, so I didn't bother too much. But the main factor might be that even at an early age I was sceptical towards being away from home. Since the term social anxiety was unknown to me, the reason for what kept me from seeing friends was blurry in a way.

Moving to a different place a long way from home while holding on to the selfdestructive thoughts and actions, like being alone, was difficult. It was a big shock to learn that my friends didn't think so much about consequences and risks when spending time outside. Even greater was the impact of knowing how impulsive one could be. Meanwhile I was locked inside my own prison. I had the key although I didn't know it. My life has definitely not turned out how I thought it would, eventhough I didn't exactly have any specific thoughts about it. Just not like this. I am sure that if anyone reads it, you are one of my friends. As I've said, I do have friends. Plenty, according to Facebook, Twitter, Twitch and all the other social platforms. Yet still can you find me week after week with no plans, only because of the fear of rejections. What really puts me off is seeing or learning that friends have done something together, wether it's movie, party, or meeting at a café without inviting me. It hurts to know that people maybe don't want me around or even worse, forgetting that I exist. If I fear that people don't want me around because of something I've done or said, how easy is it to take the initiative?

My insecurity makes me doubt if I should've written this. All I'm thinking is that I've angered someone I hold dear and that's not the intention. The objective is to make the reader, if there are any, aware of the impact social anxiety has on one's life. You're questioning everything about yourself. "Why would they want to be friends with me", "why wasn't I invited", "I'm not good enough for them" etc. You walk around thinking such thoughts untill you believe them yourself, fullfilling the prophecy. What I can change to be a better friend and feel more included is difficult to say. One of the most embarrasing things I know is to ask people what their plans and if it's okay to join. That is almost a definite sign of desperation and loneliness. It seems like being lonely or without friends today is the same as if you're a failure as person. It's so easy, everybody thinks, to be social and have friends. Guess what? It's not easy.


And I am lonely, inside my prison.