Spontanious (tomorrow...or later)

I envy people who can do things together without having the need to make detailed plans, either for practical reasons or personal reasons. Dealing with social anxiety is hard enough on its own and it doesn't make it easier when there are more to take in consideration. Well, the whole idea is to not consider everything that happens inside the head. For my concern, I have a need to feel a sense of being in control by planning ahead. Everything from how to get to a place and back, and everything inbetween. Doing all this prevents me from feeling anxious and therefore I keep doing it. It does make some sort of sense, right? Still, it is a bit like you're keeping yourself hostage if you don't dare to have that anxiety. Or you might fear certain situations in public and therefore avoid them, only to transfer that tactic to other scenarios which might feel unpleasant.

My big issue, among many, is the fear of rejection. The fear of being rejected if I contact anyone prevents me from picking up the phone, as the saying goes. How many friendships I've lost due to this is difficult to say. Maybe some, maybe none. I'm on very thin ice if I start thinking about that. After all, the distance from thinking about facts to constructing a scenery that matches my anxiety, is short. Everytime I start doing that the anxiety will seek a path leading to the conclusion which says it's my fault, I've done something wrong or simply that nobody wants to be with me. One can always wonder why I tend to think like that. The most obvious reason is that I've actually been rejected after  I've had a long, mental fight and finally tried to contact someone. That feeling of insecurity, failure, and worthlessness takes a long time to remove while other might not even think about it.

We're all different in all aspects of life. Some have it easier to do stuff, while other need to struggle a bit. At the same time we all have our battles. How well we hide it from everybody else is individual. So when I haven't contacted you for a while, it's not that I don't want to or don't care. Because I do, and that's what makes it so hard. Even if the result is that I don't send that message or make that call, the whole afternoon might've been spent to prepare myself for a possible rejection. Going back and forth between "shall I" or "They probably don't even like me". You might say that my solitude is my own choice since I let it happen. But do I want it? 

No

Often my anxiety is what makes me stay alone, feeding itself on that "victory" it got when it persuaded me to stay at home, away from the scary world out there. Alone.


It's scary alone, too, you know.