May 17th is the day where we celebrate our own Constitution, with parades, dressing up nicely, and spending time with friends. Take a look on social media and you'll see groups of friends happy, laughing and enjoying the day as a whole. You won't see a photo like that of me, though.
The last days have been awful. My depression and anxiety have come back in full force, making it hard enough to even step outside the door. Same with eating or doing any other basic stuff. It's like my brain tells me to fade. I don't feel like I'm me now. And I feel helpless. Wish there was a quick fix, though. Currently being between a rock and a hard place is tough: Being this ill yet being told I'm not ill enough for counselling. Monday was also my first day in job training as I've been out of work for a while. It's exhausting, and I don't know what's going on. I'm confused. So many are saying different things and I don't know what I want or am able to do. What if I don't succeed?
So no photos today, no traditional outfit, no nothing. Just me being inside watching the tv. I've involuntarily cut every social connection; I can't blame them when I don't even like myself.
Do I want things to continue as they are? Probably not, and I only say that cause everything else, even the better, seems risky. No matter how bad you feel you still feel it's a "comfort zone" cause there are no surprises. It's bad but familiar. Any other situation and you don't know what might happen.
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