Sun is shining

... but it's raining in my heart. Sorry, felt for a cheesy song reference there as it fits rather perfectly if I may say so myself. The weather and the state of our minds are linked and have more significance for how you, or at least I, feel. It's not uncommon to be more cheery and happy when it's sunny and warm, and perhaps a bit down when it's raining. I'm sure most of us feel that way. I feel the weather is enhancing the contrast of how I feel and how I think about myself and is capable of doing. 

The last few days have been quite good with temperatures around 20 C since Friday. During days like these I notice what other people are doing: they go for a walk, getting a tan at the park, barbecuing and having fun outside. The point isn't exactly what they're doing but rather that they're doing something together where as I'm mostly inside. Outside for me is a limited amount of time where I happen to be when transporting myself from point a to point b, not out of amusement. As I've must've mentioned before, I miss the ability to contact other without having the fear of rejection. And I also would like to not fall into the train of thoughts where I feel useless or don't have any value. In terms from gaming, I'm more of an NPC, non playable character around everybody else. Everybody has his or her own character and persona, where they might have it easier to create a social event simply because people around them tend to listen and agree with them. I'm not one of them. And that's linked with the fear of rejection, or a fear of not being noticed.

You'd probably say that it's a problem created out of nothing. How true that might be, it's still a real problem for many, including me. Where as some are quite spontanious and just call someone, I might spend days worrying about the outcome. I'm assuming all of this is inside my head. The thing is, though, that I need to be convinced otherwise. How do you take the big step when the previous ones ended in an utter failure? Do you  jump into the deep end before learrning how to swim?