Not going too well

Last few days haven't been all too good. And when thinking about it, I believe I know the reason for it. Being 100% sure is never easy. Next week involves a trip to Oslo with the rest of my coworkers. An event like that has a staggering effect, setting off what you might call an anxiety related to expectations. It's not that I think something bad might happen. Just the fact that travelling with somebody I haven't travelled with before is enough. Same thing happened last time before I went to London, therefore it's not completely unexpected.

Anxiety is an abstract way of describing a condition unless you explain further. The inability to sit still for a longer period of time is reoccurring with the feeling of someone's touching the skin, but I guess that's the muscles working. My appetite is also reduced, not wanting to eat or feeling an inability to eat. Many times in my childhood and upbringing, I've had anxiety or panick attacks that made my muscles in the throat, that you use to swallow, so tight that it feels like you're about to choke on every piece of food. No wonder I don't want to eat much if that's how it feels like.

So that's the physical aspect. What does it do with my thoughts and behaviour? For some reason I imagine that it'll go away if I, in this instance, stay at home. There won't be any explosion if you remove the trigger, sort of. This problem is maybe what I'm most ashamed of. Not in a way that I think it's my own fault, but I just feel bad for not being able to do things without having this thing, casting a shadow over me. I avoid people, definitely, withdraw to my own solitude. And that's wrong way of dealing with it. I know that, and I've heard a thousand times. It's a reflex, a bad one, but still a reflex. How do you even get back on track when you're not able to voice your despair?