Taking or losing control

I still believe that we can choose how we want our own lifes to be. Somehow, I think it applies to everybody else than me. There isn't any good reason to why my life has taken the turns it has. Losing control is much easier than gaining control, as there is a difference between a passive approach and a more offensive approach. The fear of doing anything in case it might backfire fuels the passiveness.

Let's be clear about one thing. Wether my life takes turns for the better or for the worse, I don't blame anyone. The tendency to let other people take control relieves me of the responsibility of taking a stand. My biggest improvement was during the time I was at work five days a week. I gained confidence, self-respect and a belief in myself I haven't had in a long time. Of course this made a big change in me, both in the mood and mental health.

The status now is a bit different. Because I don't work as much now I don't get the constant refill of confidence through repetiting tasks, feeling of being wanted, that I have something to give. Sitting at home with nothing to do allows me focus very much on myself. Thoughts are selfdestructive and making it harder to actually doing something when I get the chance. 

Past or present, the ability to recieve credit has never been good. I have the tendency to think it's not a big deal. Translate this to "I'm no big deal". The thoughts of being a burden or not able to contribute as good as anyone else, are reoccuring.

Exactly why am I writing this now? First and foremost because that's how I feel just now. But also to never underestimate the importance of having something to go to on a regular basis. I wish that it was easier to get a job, if you're unemployed. The society don't benefit from having a person on paid leave, nor does the person. I know very well that it differs from person to person. As a standard though, the society can be even better at adapting the work load to how much you're able to do. Even the tiniest work is better than nothing.