Silly phrases, only a letdown

Smalltalk has never been a thing for me. Those who say it is a form of art have understood a whole lot more than I have. I don't smalltalk; the only thing I do is awkward silence while trying to come up with something that doesn't sound stupid. However, I don't mind if another person starts as it is easier for some reason. Taking the initiative in a conversation is still a struggle, but I am getting there. Practice is all that is needed

Well, enough of that. Conversating in general is difficult with all the different rules that might be present according to which setting you're in. Also, there are the annoying phrases I don't like. Such as "we need to do this again sometime", or "we should do something together soon". More or less anything that isn't set to a date is an invitation to disappointment. Deep inside I know we won't see each other again for a long time. How do you think it makes me feel? I feel unwanted, as you say it only because it's what is tradion to do. And it's sad, especially when someone I've considered as a dear friend does that.

Part of my issues, or a big part of it, is the fear of ending up alone. Not just as in a boyfriend/girlfriend-relationship but also with friends. Particularly friends I've had for a long time, and where we drift apart. It's so easy for me to feel like everybody else are out there accomplishing things and I'm just here. Stuck. I'm stuck because I've used friends as support in tough times and now I've got no one to lean onto. 

How I relate to this is so unclear. I mean, I've lost many friends I had at the university. People I'd do anything for. They're just gone. My head has to start asking why, of course. Is it me? Am I a bad person? Did they only include me out of pity? Facing the truth is never easy. I probably spend more calories thinking about what I had than what I have now. People you think will be around forever might not be there tomorrow. My difficulty in getting new friens could as well be a taught strategy from getting hurt. If I don't let people get to know me, I can't get hurt. Doesn't make any sense, really. Having said that, the friends I've got now and surround myself with are the best ones I've had. I really hope they know how much I appreciate them. 

Never take friends for granted. Never. Without them, I am nothing.