Each post is scary

Writing texts has never been a black or white thing for me, there are definitely more shades to it than that. I like to write, believe it or not. What's stopping me is probably the lack of confidence and that the result is rarely how I see it in advance.  The responses to my texts during the semesters at the university were always positive except for the exams. Putting me on the spot with a short "deadline" probably doesn't give the best result but still an honest opinion. I think that writing what is in your mind also gives an insight in how ones mind works. If I am to write and rewrite, the result might end up as a well written text, with a bigger distance between me and the topic.

So even these small texts are quite difficult to write, more than one would expect them to be. There is also the fear of not reaching out. Eventhough I am happy for every reader no matter how many or few visit this page, the feeling of rejection becomes apparent. Problem is that I don't know if my writing is bad, topic is not interesting enough, people might not know about it in the first place. I also feel that I might be a bad at writing because it is so difficult to come up with something to write. Yet at the same time I picture everybody else with a clear vision of what to write and how. I can only fully understand how exhausting my posts are to write (they truly are, I feel empty inside when posting), and not see the work which lies behind other texts.

A feeling of envy pops up when I see someone gets attention for writing about the same topic. Their success usually turns into self-loathing, blaming myself for not knowing how to make my voice heard. I don't know if any post would be of any help to begin with. Either way, that's not up to me to decide. That's up to the potential reader. My own experiences tell me that a revelation can come from the smallest of things. What I do know, though, is that my struggles should not be in vain. The feeling of walking down the road alone is always lurking in the back of the head regardless of what people around you do. Reading articles might help more than one would think. You just need to let them have a try, either here or at someone else's page. After all, what's the worst that could happen?