When something you love turns into a thing of dislike

In the beginning of this week I read an article about a young footballer who decided to retire eventhough he's only 21 years old. A goalkeeper, like he was, can easily play 16-17 years on the highest level. So what happened? He wrote a long post explaining why. The main reasons were performance anxiety and depression. The sport he once loved had turned into a nightmare because of how serious it all had become as a professional player. 

I can very much relate to how this person feels about the situation. Football was something I treasured very much, spending hours practicing by myself in my spare time, showing up an hour early before practice. I loved it, because I had talent and it was an arena where fun had the highest priority. That changed when I got around 14-15. Too much arguing inside the player group, only focus on results, getting yelled at for not performing as expected. This might be were my performance anxiety showed itself for the first time. A fear of doing something wrong makes you not being able to do anything at all.

What's weird is that I still remember my last training session with the team. I remember knowing it would be my last one because I had made up my mind in advance. In someway that made me relax and probably perform better. That chapter of my life came to a close. Realizing that playing wasn't fun anymore was easy yet hard to admit. Blaming it on focusing on schoolwork made it seem as a more rational choice of priority. 

How one relates to losing what's a part of your identity almost, is up to each and everyone. Suddenly there was so much time to fill when there was no training session or matches to play. Football was also my social arena, yet I wasn't able to find a substitute ending up at home when I wasn't at school. 

At the end of the day I like to think that I somehow grew on deciding to quit when I did. It's one of the few times I've been "selfish" and done what I've felt is right. Even so, the memories of the good times are still there. Eventhough something comes to an end doesn't mean it's been a waste of time.