Need to break out?

Being introvert combined with depression and social anxiety isn't exactly the best combination. Identifying the behaviour can be tricky regarding which feeling should be put on the account of introvert, depression or the anxiety. 

I've always enjoyed my own company, and not having the need to be social to be happy. As a kid I played, read, practiced my football all by myself and still feeling content. I'm a few years older now and hopefully a bit wiser. Being alone is most noticable during the weekends when you notice everything your friends are doing, while you're at home.

My envy of people who are capable of socializing often is very much there. There is a voice inside me wanting to be like that. So why aren't I? The anxiety is using the introvert part of me to reason why I should just stay at home. No need to go outside where it' dangerous when you can stay at home, right? If I really wanted to do that, I wouldn't have had these thoughts in the first place, and spending time thinking about what everybody else are doing.

I don't even know why I don't like being in crowds either. Maybe it's the fear of not having control of the situation. I mean, as every person has his or her own free will, they can do or say things I can't plan ahead a response to. This relates to how I like to prepare what I can say in conversations to not feel stupid or boring. So therefore spending time at home does seem logical yet irrational. The place where I am most comfortable is in long run a bad choice, meanwhile places where I'm least comfortable are the ones that I might benefit the most from in the future. All this might seem very confusing and it is. Take it from me who experience it every day. I'm not even sure that psychologists got the complete hang of me after six years. Maybe it takes a lifetime for me to understand myself.