Sunday

Well, it's Sunday once more. I'm sitting on the sofa, watching the tv. You'd think relaxing is the easiest thing in the world. Yet my neck is tense and so are my leg muscles. Being attentive to your own body is still difficult if you're not present. So many other things take up the focus. This makes me wonder why. The fear of not producing anything lurks in the back of my head. That was the inital fear when starting this. Putting to much pressure on myself is just stupid considering this is way less successfull than I was hoping for.

So many thoughts in my head, kind of like having to many tabs open in your browser and I don't which one to focus on. The little fragments of different things telling me that what I need to do. They're mostly things of practical nature I imagine that I need to get over with, or what other might say I need to do. And I can feel a sense of  tingling in my feet, an unease very closely linked to how I feel my anxiety. Why am I even writing this again? I feel the urge to just start all over. It won't be good enough, it never will.

 I've always felt that if I settle for something it means the same as I fail, or feeling sorry for myself. I was still a student when I had my first session with a therapist. A topic often revisited was differentiating between my grades on exams and me as a person. Being one who had fairly good results in school, my grades came as a shock. It felt like I let myself, and most importantly other people, down. Feeling inferior to my friends only did it worse. Listening to what the therapist said and actually believing it are miles apart, especially when they're current events. Looking back, I can't see why it was so important. Worrying, in general, takes up so much time these days. Worrying over imagined problems and dilemmas. How one knows they're imagined? That's easy. If you have a real problem, you find a solution and do it. The imagined thoughts are created by your depression, grinding and taking up resources, expressed through anxiety and panick attacks. Not much of a themed post, but just writing what I'm thinking.