Answering a question

I received a question from a person who has visited this site earlier today. She asked me if I could write a bit more about me and my background. I certainly don't mind. I just hope I can give a proper answer. As a start, I can quote the definition of the disorder, given by my therapist:

"" Anxious [avoidant] personality disorder:Personality disorder characterized by feelings of tension and apprehension, insecurity and inferiority. There is a continuous yearning to be liked and accepted, a hypersensitivity to rejection and criticism with restricted personal attachments, and a tendency to avoid certain activities by habitual exaggeration of the potential dangers or risks in everyday situations."

I was in my senior year at college in the fall of 2005. I worked very hard with my subjects, just as I had done since the first grade. Looking back, I probably pushed myself a bit, because I remember the total number of hours from my classes exceeded the limit. Tests were coming more and more frequent because of that and I was practicing for my driving test on the side. Panick attacks in the morning became frequent and my mind forbade me to attend school. Shaking, crying and heavy breathing came everytime.
Passing the driving test while struggling with anxiety is still one of my greatest achievements yet I still don't know how I managed to do that. 

The plan was to try attending school after that Christmas, but it was no use. We, my parents and I, decided that it wasn't any rush after all. I needed to get well again. So I spent countless hours at home with my dad. We often didn't say a word to each other while watching the TV. Still, they were moments I cherish and I wouldn't want to be without them. My panick attacks became less frequent and I could redo the senior year from that fall. That was one of my scariest moments ever. Many of them propably knew who I was already, by looks if not name. Most of them were OK, though, despite whatever rumours that might have been present. Finishing college is another big achievement of mine, and I don't take it for granted.

Social anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. Test results showed that I needed to take medication due to chemical imbalances, which ment I my chances of being depressed were higher than average. I still take medication and I don't know when I'll stop.

Attending a social activity is not easy. My mind starts when an invitation arrives, pondering and wondering. The anxiety acts almost like travel-fever. I need to plan when to go, how to get to the place, having back up plans in case a bus is late or if I need extra time to find the correct place. Doing all this doesn't make me relax. The urge to check and re-check that I've not misread any timetables for the bus. The result of this is always the same: I'm always the first guest, at least 30 minutes before I need to be there. Knowing who might show up is also good. I dislike getting surprised or caught off guard. Many of my friends from the University are quite smart and live interesting lives. Preparing any topic that I might contribute to happens from time to time. It's so easy to feel ashamed when I can't participate in a conversation. I more or less feel stupid.

Being impulsive is not my kind of thing. Planning is vital and I can't just go somewhere. The urge to stay at home doing nothing can sometimes win because I don't want to miss the opportunity of doing one thing or the other. The chance of actually doing anything other than watching tv or reading online is very slim. It's the thought that I miss the chance that I might come up with something, that triggers my anxiety.

When all is said and done, I enjoy being among friends. Rarely have I regretted that I went out. But just the thought of me regretting a social participation in the future is scary enough. I know all these thoughts are quite irrational, yet I can't let go. 

Please remember that ""[y]ou are enough. You are so enough, it's unbelievable how enough you are. "