Loose threads

My years at the therapists where I live now in 2009. I had put 1,5 year at the University behind me. I can't remember if mental health was ever discussed, mine or in general. Forming friendships was fairly easy. Finding who you could entrust about personal stuff was a different matter. The past was behind me. I thought my years of struggling with anxiety were over, as if it was a one time occurance that I had concurred. Some people might be bit scared or intimidated if you share personal thoughts right away and I absolutely did not want that to happen.

There must have been a change in my behaviour after I hit the wall 08/09. The most obvious sign was probably that I was barely at campus anymore opposed to spending time there even if there wasn't a class to attend or self study. I thought nobody would notice anyway as I convinced myself that nobody cared or I wasn't worthy of being cared about. Being at campus gave me panick attacks eventhough I had one class a week. That was enough. I haven't actually asked people what happened while I was away, or if I was missed in the first place. Nobody asked me directly, understandably enough.

We all behave differently according to our surroundings or what is demanded from you. I put on a mask, shielding me from every impression the outside could provide. Good things were just as bad as the negative. I didn't want to have fun no matter for how short period of time. The depression made me think that beng happy was not the ordinary and a reaction would follow. Which it did. I'd be very tired and receptive to more anxiety if I had been social the day before. Testing how far I could go before I felt any discomfort was like dipping a toe in the cold ocean. Pushing me often helped. An appointment of some sort that I felt obligated to keep usually did the trick. One step at a time.

Around November 09, I think, the task of shutting everybody out was taking its toll by itself. The mask was no longer needed. Writing a mail to tell everybody I considered as close friends what was up, kind of like how I've done here. The reception was overwhelming and unexpected. I meant just as much to them as I did before. The depression didn't matter and I was so happy for that. The fear of scarying people away is always there, even stronger when you're sharing something with your friends. I know this is unstructured and everything, more like a rabble when I don't have a specific thing to write about. So cheers for reading.