Hobbies

Ever been so bored that you don't know what to do yet you have plenty of hobbies? I do. Playing video games has always been something I've enjoyed. It was a break from reality. Reality just became more real. I could only play a few minutes before I got so restless that I had to just stop. You might say it's a good thing that I spent less time playing but it was all for the wrong reason. I ended up being anxious of having an anxiety attack.

I picked up the guitar at the age of 14 and it didn't take long before I had the guitar in my lap when watching the TV. That ended as well. The guitar was always in my room in the basement and I didn't want to be alone for a long period of time. The expectations were way too high; I didn't progress, wasn't as good as my friends, felt guilty of having the gear that I had etc. But I managed to pick it up again and I still play. It still isn't good and I don't care.


Finding a hobby hasn't been easy for me. I'm very impatient and I need to see improvement in what I do or else I start to dislike it. I'd rather master it like a pro from the beginning but that never happens. Aside from football and the guitar I've tried photography which is going ok. There is still that doorstep mile to traverse, though. The fear of not doing it well enough is still present.

What I've learned is to keep up with your hobbies even if it's just for a little while. Feel the joy it gave you and be content. Remembering what I said about how easy it is to talk yourself down? Don't do that. Acknowledge that you continued with your hobby, not giving up. That's just the easy fix. Your panick attack disappears very rapidly but returns the next time you're trying. I learned that kind of the hard way. The guitars, for example, weren't used as much as they did and at one point just collecting dust. It's not easy trying to describe anything irrational, because that was what it was: An irrational fear of failing and panick attacks by which I let myself be controlled. 

The clue is to occupy yourself with something and it doesn't matter what it is; everything from running to collecting stamps will do. It's to keep your brain from grinding the same self destructive thoughts; thoughts that you barely notice but leave a trace of physical symptoms.

"You are enough. You are so enough, it's unbelievable how enough you are. "