Hello, me. Meet the real me.

Thought I'd do an experiment and let the irrational side of me speak, to let the reader see how the mind is affected by the depressive thoughts. If you've read the previous posts you see that my self esteem has been a long time foe of mine. How do you cope outside with other people? What goes on inside your head? Sometimes you just don't know.

I wish I could have more people reading this. This is important to me and could be an eye opener for some. When the result isn't as expected one often starts to wonder why. My mind is channeled to think that it's me. It's always my fault. People don't like me, those who I call friends don't want anything to do with me, I'm not good enough, I don't anything to contribute with, I'm stupid etc. This is me dragging myself down and giving into the the depression.

All of this circles inside my mind when I fail, or just being around people. Feeling alone in a crowded room is an oxymoron and yet so true. You let all the other people carry on with the talking. Why won't I say a word? Scared. I need to perform and have the friendship as an achievement. But also, scared of being exposed, dropping the mask. I'm now at a point where I don't try to hide my problems, and at the same time it isn't an icebreaker. I often wonder if people around me act the way they do because they know or suspect that I'm uncomfortable. But do they? I can't tell. I'm not a mindreader. One would often give a person the benefit of the doubt. That's not easy when you're depressed. You use the behaviour of other people as proof to what you're telling yourself. Bring out your fanclub again, the ones you can trust. They're the closest friend of yours and more than likely understand the situation. The important part is that although you're struggling and having a hard time, the condition is never a part of who you are or part of your identity.