Performance anxiety

I got a notice from my Facebook account today saying that I published some photos seven years ago on this date. They were a few shots of the dormroom I lived in at the time, pre and post cleaning (with a lot of help from my oldest sister). Go back to the exams right before Christmas 2008. I've always been very stressed when revising for the exams. This was still completely new for me. 

I don't have a good answer to why my performance anxiety is so immense. My results haven't always been the best, but I did put a lot of effort into it. 

That December 2008 was the worst in a long time. I panicked during an exam: I couldn't sitt still, got dizzy, light-headed, sick etc. I needed to get out of the room and handed in my paper eventhough I knew that I probably had failed. All that mattered was to get to my dorm, close the door and stay in bed. And staying in bed I did. Thankfully I got help with getting a note from my doctor to excuse my abscent from the remaining exams.

I somehow got home for Christmas and that Christmas was dreadfull. All I was thinking was how I'd manage to live in my dorm after the holidays. My dad came to my rescue once again, taking the flight with me and staying with me for the first couple of days. The inital thought when he returned home was "oh s***". Suddenly I didn't know what to do, how to pass the time. My response seems to be to isolate myself, hiding in shame for not being able to do what seems so easy, hiding from friends to avoid any questions. That semester was interesting. Lucky for me I had an awesome roommate who would drag me with her to the supermarket, when it was time for washing clothes, making dinner and much more. That was prizeless. 

From what I've been told the performance anxiety is closely linked to my social anxiety. Everytime I'm with friends I really do feel that I need to perform in one way or the other. The pressure of saying something intelligent or thoughtfull is always there, especially with so many smart friends. I rarely have anything to add and therefore I'm just sitting there for the most of the time. 

Maybe the fear of failing is bigger than the possibility to win? That might be why I've never done anything more with the guitar. I play by and for myself using a game called Rocksmith. Never have I played on a stage or in a band; afraid to stand out in the spotlight. Maybe that's okay, too. Wondering what might have been isn't productive.

Please remember that ""[y]ou are enough. You are so enough, it's unbelievable how enough you are. "