Me, food and anxiety

We've just entered 2016 and there are still things difficult to talk about, eating disorders are among them. Wether it is more shameful for a grown up person than a teenager is an interesting question and even harder to answer. My impression is that boys who struggle are having a hard time as it is an untouched subject. Only a few dare to be vocal about it meanwhile I think more girls are being open and honest. I was unsure in the beginning about writing. What convinced me was that I no more didn't see why I shouldn't.

My relationship with food is so complex and strange that I don't know what to call it. First of all, I'm known to be the most fussy eater on the planet. I've never eaten any fruit or vegetables since I was a kid aside from the occasional apple in kindergarten. And it's not because my parents or everybody else for that matter didn't try. I either spat it out or just didn't want to try, stubborn as I was. This has continously been commented during meals and it has frustrated me a lot; giving me the sensation of failure and shame of not doing what everybody else does. The mental barrier is so strong I get panicked when trying to eat vegetables for dinner. My diet is bad, I'm well aware of that. At least I'm eating something, which hasn't been always the case.

I still remember the first time it happened. I was a kid, not even started attending school. We had chicken for dinner. Dad must've been away because I sat on his chair. I suddenly freeze while taking a bite. The way to describe it was as if all the muscles you use for swallowing food were tightened, making swallowing really difficult. The body can remember quite a lot only by using its senses. How it felt, what it smelled like and how I felt like in general are still memories that I remember. I struggled with each bite however how small it was, wanting to throw up, got scared and ran to my room. This lasted for several days and I the little I ate was dry bread. Suddenly one day I was back to normal. Incidents have happened more than once during my lifetime.

Probably the most noticable occurance happened while I stayed at home from school, or right before, during Christmas 2005. My anxiety and panic attacks were at an all time high, leaving food and eating to seem pointless. Nutrition milk bought at the pharmacy became a substitute for food. The flavour was supposed to be chocolate. I remember it as a really foul tasting thing. Christmas must be the worst time of the year for someone who struggles with an eating disorder. There is so much food and you always eat, either cookies, cakes or big dinners.

Eating in public is connected to my social anxiety. I've had small situations eating with friends where I just had to leave. The smell of food is unbearable. It is usually not a problem, though. I'm good as long as I don't think about that it might happen. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anxiety isn't necessary as a trigger. It might come out of the blue.