Showing yourself

One of the many topics from my sessions were the ability to show yourself and acknowledging your value as a human being. I've been shy from a very young age and didn't want to be any bother. If asked about a meaning regarding a practical dilemma I usually say that either alternative would be fine. That's was very often not the case.

For some reason I've always felt the need to please everybody eventhough I know I can't. My self esteem isn't exactly helping, making me think that I'm less worth than everybody else. I can only guess, but I think this is connected to my childhood. Climbing trees and scrubbing knees weren't my things as kids usually do. I listened to my parents when spoken to and therefore didn't push any boundaries or exploring.

The school years were filled with shyness and modesty. I usually did well on tests. Giving myself credit wasn't part of the deal I had with myself. It was the least I could do, I thought, did only what was expected. Graded tests were often found on the bottom of my backpack at the end of the school year, torn to pieces. Telling my parents was never considered so they always got a surprise when I casually found an old test. 

Bragging about good test results to my classmates was never my thing. I was afraid I'd be bullied or something for being a nerd yet it didn't happen. Maybe my football skills "saved" me in a way from being a stereotypical nerd as I had many friends. Some struggled a bit with the subjects but were still very friendly.

The later years have reversed the roles a bit, especially at the University. All of my fellow students were quite intelligent and always did good on exams. I had to really struggle for a poor grade. That made me ashamed of myself; questioning myself, my intelligence and if I deserved to be among my friends in the first place. The fear of ending up alone made my choices. It was better to feel like the stupid one than having no friends at all.

I guess all this changed a bit after I burned myself out December 2008. One class was all I could manage during the spring 2009. To barely be on campus was strange; spending time on campus was a thing I liked. Now I had to force myself to the one class I had and force myself to stay on campus, being around people and friends to not isolating myself completely. The surprise of friends still wanted to have me around, was big and very emotional. Even today I fight against the feeling of lonelyness and being less worth than anybody else.

Please remember that ""[y]ou are enough. You are so enough, it's unbelievable how enough you are. "